Angel of Destruction

Look at the evolution the secular have undergone! Once, the secular person would claim: My grandfather was a monkey. Today, the secular person claims: My grandfather was a rabbi. The generation is rising, especially the generation of grandfathers. And the most valuable grandfather is a Holocaust grandfather. Even a Moroccan grandfather is good these days. You see how I understand everything because I'm religious? She won't understand anything, and you know why? Because she's secular

Loves me, loves me not (Source)

I dreamed at night that we were sitting at the new girl's birthday party. And the new girl is sitting at the head of the table and across from me sits S. and I tell S. that this is the new girl and to look at her face - because I'm going to marry her. Then S. hands me a flower pleadingly, passes me a flower across the table that she made from candles, white candles inside red, and I'm very moved, and my heart opens to S. but I want to show her that I don't really want the flower, that it's not really appropriate anymore, and I'm still angry at her and want her to feel pain, and I show her to look at the beautiful mouth of the new girl at the head of the table talking to her gay friend who's leaning towards her, and S. tells me why are you looking at the mouth at the lips, look at the eyes how she's looking at this friend of hers, she wants him.

And S. smiles at me: What do you mean gay friend, you don't get it. And I say: What do you want from me? And S. says: Nothing. You don't get anything. And I say what don't I get, and S. says don't you get it? She's secular. And I say what do you mean secular! And S. says since when does a religious girl have a gay friend? And I answer she's not secular, her grandfather is a great rabbi. And S. is very confident despite being very hurt, and laughs: Look at the evolution the secular have undergone! Once, the secular person would claim: My grandfather was a monkey. Today, the secular person claims: My grandfather was a rabbi. The generation is rising, especially the generation of grandfathers. And the most valuable grandfather is a Holocaust grandfather. Even a Moroccan grandfather is good these days. You see how I understand everything because I'm religious? She won't understand anything, and you know why? Because she's secular.

And I look deeply at the new girl, who is very happy at her birthday and doesn't know who they seated across from me, but we must also admit that she's not particularly interested in me, and I try to see in her eyes if you can see that deep inside she's secular, and therefore she will never understand the dreams, even when I tell her (if I tell her at all). Then S. tells me, as if we're getting married and talking about the conditions, that she wants us to live in a Benjamin settlement [Translator's note: referring to settlements in the West Bank]. Somewhere in the territories. And I tell her that it's not suitable for her or for me, and that there's no place in the country that's suitable for her and me, and that she sees. And I cry for her to leave me, but precisely because of this she understands that she still has power over me, and she tells me to wait downstairs. But I understand that she will return, because now she knows that I cried because of her, and I still care, even though I cried for her to leave already.

And the party ends, and I'm at home, alone lighting candles, and then S. comes to my house with my car (!). And it's just before Shabbat [Translator's note: the Jewish Sabbath], and she has the wilting and heart-rending flower in her hand, as Shabbat flowers, and it's already impossible to send her away because it's just before Shabbat and she won't have time to return. And we must invite her, and she sits next to me on the couch when she's without a shirt, maybe even completely naked, but I didn't look down because her breasts drew me to look but they were like the new girl's breasts and not like her huge ones, and they were also in a position where they fall inwards and not big, because she was leaning back. And she tells me something that she probably didn't even say but that I understand she wants to come back, even though she maybe didn't want to, or she did want to and didn't say, but that's how I understand it. But I already told her without really hearing - that I have a new girlfriend, and that she's as good as her, and that it's her turn this time because she left (even though it's not true that she's as good as her, but I didn't want to hurt her and I don't feel that way suddenly even though it's not logical). And then she leaves from there and drives away from there on Shabbat (!) with my car - and I was very very hurt by the fact that she left, even though I didn't want her at all anymore.