Acceptance of Women

I come in the morning to the room next to hers to talk to her, and I see the bathroom door opening and I think great, now I'll see her naked unintentionally and not by my fault (which I've never seen before)

The Wailing Wall  (Source)

I dreamed that what I had dreamed about for years was happening, and I accidentally meet S. on the street, and I walk with S. through the streets. But everywhere we go, she ignores me and talks to others, to all kinds of men, and I can't understand what they're saying. And I feel a bit like an annoying tail, because it's clear to me that she's doing things I'm not supposed to be there for. And some of the men are in the mikveh [ritual bath], they're half-dressed, and I try to check if she's half-dressed too, and she wants to pay a hundred dollars to talk for five minutes with some friend of hers (since when does she have friends?). And I say what, a hundred dollars, and she doesn't answer and it turns out that tomorrow they're executing him and those who caught him are asking for a million dollars for the last night, before they kill him, and she wants to pay a hundred dollars out of that which will only be enough to say goodbye to him. One last time. And I say okay, but why aren't you explaining this to me, am I supposed to understand on my own, but she ignores me and doesn't answer me at all as if I'm not there and not speaking, as if I'm empty.

And she doesn't want to reveal anything to me and only gives hints that I don't understand, and I go to her apartment to wait for her, because she'll surely arrive there and won't be able to avoid me, and she doesn't come there. And I return to the first place - and she's not there. But I see that she left her things on the table in the apartment, her notebooks, she forgot, and I think she might come back and I start rummaging through her things to understand what she's hiding from me, in the notebooks, what she's studying. And there are illogical things there, and I can't lock the door it opens, no matter what I do with the lock and the key, and I'm afraid the key will break and I'll be locked inside, and I don't know what to look at first from all her notebooks and diary. And I don't look in her diary but rather in the notebooks, because it seems to me that with her, the secrets will be kept in the less logical place, and indeed something illogical is written there she's studying Kabbalah, but illogical Kabbalah, and what are these nonsense things she's studying and why do they teach this to women at all, could it be that they teach women different Kabbalah than ours? And just as they don't tell us - they don't tell them either? And each one doesn't know what the other is learning? And I wake up a little because of the door, and decide out of a thought from within sleep that it's not worth investing in the continuation of this dream, because anyway it's a dream and not real and intimate information I obtained about her, and on the other hand I think maybe there is information there that I can't access while awake, because it's hiding in my brain, so I go back to sleep but I'm not dreaming about it anymore. I can't go back. Because the dream continues - just as life continues.

And I'm already anxious that I've lost the dream and the meeting of souls with her, because of very important but very foggy calculations in consciousness, but here I continue to dream that I go without her knowledge to sleep at night in her house in another room, and that I'll want to talk to her in the morning if she doesn't want to talk to me, and I'll surprise her in bed - and she'll have to talk to me. And then I come in the morning to the room next to her room to talk to her, and I see the bathroom door opening and I say great, now I'll see her naked unintentionally and not by my fault (which I've never seen before). And suddenly I see a huge naked black man coming out of the shower like a basketball player and I'm dying of anger but she doesn't come out, and after him comes another such man and another and another, like this seven naked men, and they're all such golems because they're so tall with their heads touching the ceiling they don't understand Hebrew and they sit down there naked, and she doesn't come out. And her living room is like a mikveh, and I look at them naked to see if their organs are big like I read they write about black men - in the toilets of the central bus station - and on the contrary these are small organs, like those of Haredim. And I look inside and see her showering there with her pale skin in the water, and I say so what now you're Snow White and the Seven Adulterous Dwarfs, and she's shocked angry at me what am I doing there, and I say so what did you open a basketball team?! What do you think I'm stupid, so why did you need exactly seven and not settle for five?

And I leave in anger from the women's showers to the men's mikveh in the living room, and all the organs of covenant [penises] of the black men in the mikveh are distorted and I look at mine how crooked it is examining it and suddenly I notice that I'm holding it in my hand and it's detached from the body, and I panic and try to reattach it to its place and it connects, but I check if it really connected and it comes off again easily, it's not held tightly, and I have difficulty connecting it so that it holds and isn't detached from the body, because until we get to the doctor it will die and it won't be possible to bring it back, and I say oh no surely the nerves have disconnected, and I try to touch it to see if it feels touch a little pleasure and it seems to work, and then I say so maybe the pain nerves disconnected and I try to hurt and don't feel so I bring a knife to make a cut and I see blood coming out but it doesn't hurt.

And all seven black men look at me at the small covenant [circumcision] I made for myself in amazement, and tell me that they are real Haredim, not like me. They are the most real Haredim in the world because they are black even in the mikveh it doesn't come off, while I am white inside. And therefore they are the most righteous in the world, also from within, and they together one against four and two against three somehow (I don't understand, but it's related to the notebooks) they balance each other so that they reach perfection, and therefore they can be together the Messiah. And I tell them that if they are the Messiah then they can fly, and then they all together suddenly jump from the building's window, and I don't prevent them from doing it maybe I can't because I'm at the other end of the room, and they are so fast and jump and fly these players of the dream team, but (and this is the more inner truth) maybe also not sure that they are not the Messiah, and this is the way to check and for them to know, and you need to take the risk. And then they tell me that they all died down there from the jump and I don't want to look, and I tell myself that it's my fault that I told them the Messiah can fly.

And I need to tell her why all her husband men died, and burying seven husbands in one day is surely a terrible thing. Because they tell me that in the messianic era of women every woman will have seven husbands and I need to accept it, and even be happy if she lets me be one of seven. And not be jealous like a primitive Haredi, and not know what she did at night - and I feel that I'm still not ready for this messianic era, even if it's higher spiritually. But it's hard for me to tell her why it happened, and I don't want to tell that I told them to fly, but she's not very interested in it because she's busy preparing a tent. And although very sad that her loved ones died but thinks that we should just continue with life, and is not interested in the circumstances, doesn't ask at all how it happened, but is only interested in her tent and therefore I don't tell her what really happened and that I said and didn't stop them and she sends me to bring us a tent.

And I don't want to bring her just a tent like she wants, but to impress her, this time it's my last chance, and I'll bring her a tower. And I build a skyscraper, high up to the sky, a real Tower of Babel. And in the morning I'll show her. Because all my life I built many things, and no one was interested, but now I'll show her in the morning that I built a skyscraper in one night. Because she won't believe me that I built - and then I'll tell her to look up and she'll see, even though she asked for a tent, because apparently she didn't believe in me, so she only wanted a sheet to cover the sky. And all the rest of the night, until morning, I move the pillow from here to there and from there to here. Because I dream that I'm building the skyscraper from the pillow and the bed is its base. And that these are actually huge stones like those of the Western Wall, which I take to build from them with enormous strength, as if I were a gentile and even a black slave like in the movies, like the Jews were slaves in Egypt and construction workers, before they became yeshiva students, and since then they're willing for only Arabs to work in construction. And here everyone will see what a Haredi structure is. A religious structure. She wanted us a tabernacle of blankets? I'll build her a temple. A missile to God. And she'll see that I too can be strong, manly and blunt.

And so I put another pillow and another pillow because these are huge stones. And all night I work very hard, beyond human strength, to move and pile up and build from these huge stones a skyscraper like Herod's workers who moved tons of stones, or like the giants who built the Tower of Babel to return to the Garden of Eden, so that the Holocaust won't return - not to drown in another flood. Because I tell myself that she doesn't believe in me that I'll build such a monument, that they'll remember, that they won't forget, long long after us, something tall and lofty, that dwarfs everything - and I'll show her, in the morning she'll see. And then I wake up in the morning exhausted exhausted, as if I hadn't slept at all, and I see that all the pillows I piled up are one pillow. That I just moved from here to there all night in bed. And that I'm all stiff because I didn't sleep with a pillow, because I threw off the blanket, and that I'm alone in bed.