The Third Lebanon War

And I think to myself: Would I really trust ultra-Orthodox Jews with nuclear weapons? After all, it's possible that the red button is in the possession of the greatest rabbi of the generation, but he doesn't want to take responsibility and gave it to the neighborhood rabbi, who doesn't trust himself so he entrusted it to the synagogue caretaker, and now during prayer time behind the synagogue, the caretaker's child is playing marbles with the red button along with the other children. And I ask: Where are the green uniforms?

Nuclear Weapons: Your temple is like a slice of pomegranate  (Source)

I dreamed that Hezbollah has nuclear weapons, so they send us to Lebanon before they use their nukes. And because it's a real emergency, they have to draft ultra-Orthodox Jews too. And I say to the soldier who comes to grab me to save Israel: What is this conflict if not secular vs. ultra-Orthodox? Because the conflict is Arab ultra-Orthodox against Jewish secular, so why do they always say it's just a conflict between Jews and Arabs, and not a conflict between ultra-Orthodox and secular? And the soldier says: So now there's ultra-Orthodox on the other side with doomsday weapons. What do you think about that, can we trust religious fanatics on Judgment Day? And I think to myself: Would I really trust ultra-Orthodox Jews with nuclear weapons? After all, it's possible that the red button is in the possession of the greatest rabbi of the generation, but he doesn't want to take responsibility and gave it to the neighborhood rabbi, who doesn't trust himself so he entrusted it to the synagogue caretaker, and now during prayer time behind the synagogue, the caretaker's child is playing marbles with the red button along with the other children. And I ask: Where are the green uniforms?

And of course, the operation is planned carelessly, as is the custom of Zionism, and they give us a cucumber and a tomato instead of weapons and that's how we enter Lebanon at night, everyone standing on the border, in a long line along the border, lighting a memorial candle and holding it above the heart, and everyone enters together in one step in a wide front with a cucumber and a tomato. And I think, fine if we're coming with a cucumber and a tomato, but whose idiotic idea was it to light a candle because that way they'll definitely see us. And of course, the operation gets complicated and I run into a restaurant that was connected to the house of someone we killed in his sleep, and it turns out that this person didn't even die even though we cut his throat with a kitchen knife, because we didn't cut deep enough, and he gets angry that we accidentally cut his wife's throat while they were lying down, and he comes out at us with a gun he hid in the bedroom. Because he knew the Zionists would come to kidnap him, now that they have a bomb in the house, because even the Arabs are no longer suckers and not stupid and not uncivilized and use a lot of imagery and read literature - and no longer separate sex and violence.

And the secular guy next to me actually has a weapon but they gave me a cucumber and a tomato - because I don't know how to shoot anyway and die in the world of Torah. And they shoot at each other through a closed door and in the end, I of course take the bullet. And I don't understand why the other guy who knows how to shoot didn't throw a grenade inside because if I have a cucumber and a tomato and he has a weapon instead of a cucumber then surely instead of a tomato he had a grenade, like in those psychometric exam questions I couldn't pass. But it's too late for such things now. And now because of me they'll kidnap us and the whole country will get into trouble. And a long scene begins that repeats over and over of attempts to escape through a very dark complicated place full of chairs and tables in the event hall, which is messy after some Arab wedding, with lots of leftover dishes, and all their dishes are pita falafel, and in the dark it looks like black balls, but I know it must be falafel, and my wound won't stop, and I think what a fatal mistake it was to draft me. Even from their point of view. And I know the secular soldier thinks exactly like me, because now he has to save me because of the value of camaraderie in the IDF values. All Israel are friends.

And during all the endless long time that I'm running away I always try to take the most unexpected turn to hide and so they won't follow us, and somehow the vile terrorist always knows which turn we took, even though it's not logical, but somehow he always appears, no matter how original and illogical the path I find or invent in the escape route, real innovations in the issue of escape, through the tables or chairs or kitchen or yichud room [Translator's note: A room where a bride and groom are secluded immediately after the wedding ceremony], or all together - mixing it like a salad - and in the end his black head peeks out after us. And he's very very angry that we ruined his wife's throat, and I also messed up for him right in the middle of relations, on the night she's supposed to prove she's a virgin, when he's supposed to prove he's a man. Because somehow the cucumber and tomato are a hint to something perverted, although I don't understand, fine a cucumber but what about the tomato. And the young soldier next to me whispers what don't you understand, it's not like your perverted ultra-Orthodox mind that thinks secular people are always busy with sex and enjoying themselves, we suffer just like you, and for us tomato and cucumber are army and security. So please maintain field security, and stop talking in enemy territory about the cucumber and tomato, it's a national secret. Especially now that they're going to kidnap you. That I don't do some Hannibal Protocol [Translator's note: A controversial IDF directive to prevent soldier abductions at all costs] on you here, which I should have done long ago. But I pity you, you nebbish.

And I've lost a lot of blood and I can't run and escape anymore, only hide one final time, and therefore it must be in the most creative place that the Arab would never think of, because if the terrorist guesses this time it's the end, and therefore we need something truly innovative, and I see that it's impossible to plug the black hole of the wound with the cucumber anymore, and I try with the tomato but everything is red, and I no longer know if it's the tomato or my blood. And I say to the secular guy come on I know these ultra-Orthodox, you don't understand ultra-Orthodox, they'll search every possible place in the house, two months before Passover they're already searching for chametz [Translator's note: Leavened food forbidden during Passover], but we'll outsmart him with our Jewish mind and hide inside the mourning sukkah [Translator's note: A temporary structure built for the holiday of Sukkot] for his wife, and no one will suspect we're sleeping in a sukkah, because Passover is almost here. And we enter the sukkah hiding behind the decorations, and I hold the cucumber and tomato like an etrog and lulav [Translator's note: Ritual plants used during Sukkot] and don't move in order to blend into the scenery as part of the sukkah's decoration and ornament, and the soldier also stands at attention tense and not breathing at all - and the Arab enters (this is how every time my head invents a different way in which they shoot me at night. I have a recurring dream that I'm in battle and they shoot me, even though of course I've never been in battle. Post-trauma without the trauma. To what extent does Zionist consciousness reach!).

And I tell the secular guy throw the grenade instead of the tomato and save us, because he has a Chabad grenade because the IDF decided to take Chabad as its new grenade manufacturer, and I'm surprised at my ignorance in Hasidism that I didn't know Chabad produces grenades. And there's a thin wire at the top of the ladder holding the grenade, to hang it in the sukkah above the terrorist's head, and the caretaker there is fixing some light up there and I come to tell him not now, because there's a military exercise here and they're trying out a grenade and he could get hurt, but somehow I don't understand why despite the safety my elbow accidentally drops the grenade to the floor, and I shout at him to be careful it's a Chabad grenade, and he doesn't believe me what Chabad grenade what are you talking about, he doesn't know of such a thing in Jewish law, and I tell him come on be careful there's less than three seconds until the explosion, and all this lasts much longer than three seconds, and we wait and the grenade still hasn't exploded, and he ponders in his mind to remember if there's such a thing in some Tosafot [Translator's note: Medieval commentaries on the Talmud], and a lot of time passes, and he checks in books what this could mean and he doesn't understand maybe it's gematria [Translator's note: Numerology in Jewish mysticism], or some symbol, or a hint in the sefirot [Translator's note: Divine emanations in Kabbalah], in the hidden world. And suddenly without any connection to anything the grenade explodes literally and figuratively with a huge noise - and kills me, him, and them - the ultra-Orthodox, the secular, and the Arabs together into pieces, like a charged tomato that appears in the first act, all Israel are responsible for one another. And then he understands that I wasn't joking.