The Jewish Comedy

If I weren't antisemitic, the Jews themselves would have built me the bomb and deciphered the codes for me, instead of pushing the Americans in my face, and the Nazis would have won the war - thanks to the German Jews

Dante and Virgil in Hell - William Bouguereau  (Source)

I dreamed that just like that in the middle of life, at midnight on Yom Kippur when all souls ascend to heaven to be judged, I found myself wandering in darkness through a dark forest in the middle of Eden. And I'm not sure where all the righteous people they told us about are. Everything is empty, even the holy beasts have fled. It can't be that no Jew was righteous enough to reach paradise. Where are at least all the Holocaust survivors, I mean, oops, the victims?

And there on one of the trees - I see none other than Haim Nahman Bialik, the national poet. And I call out: Is that you, Bird's Nest?

- Don't you start too.

- But is that you, Nod-Nod? You're really getting the short end of the stick. Did you see how they screwed you over on the banknotes? Tchernichovsky overtook you in one fell swoop.

And Bialik warms up: He's really worth fifty. But why am I not on the two hundred?!

- It's probably for the quote on the bill: We are the silver platter upon which the Jewish state was given. But between us, as yeshiva graduates, it's all ethnic discrimination against Ashkenazi culture. Why did they only include poets with Sephardic pronunciation? Totally excluding the Ashkenazi pronunciation.

And Bialik sighs: Well, the generation is declining. What's next, a Yona Wallach shekel? Shlonsky on a schnitzel? And that's nothing compared to the competition there'll be for the ten agorot... And they stuck me here to be a tour guide. Come, come, I'll show you what you need to see, a quick tour and you'll understand the principle.

And he takes me there in the afterlife to a large gate from which terrible cries of anguish are heard, and it's written on it: The Hope of Two Thousand Years. And Bialik mutters: This is Zipporah's section in the Jewish inferno, a sample section that they love to show tourists called: "For the sin we have sinned before You through incest and for the sin we have sinned before You in public and in private". And the screams are getting closer and closer, heartbreaking: I have sinned, I have transgressed, I have done wrong! And Bialik explains: Here, for example, the soul of some unfortunate journalist wanders restlessly, who once desired to be interviewed instead of interviewing, and then he couldn't control himself and in order to be heard better, he touched the journalist's ear with his pinky, and even tried to insert it into the earwax, while deriving supreme satisfaction from it. Now, his eternal fate is to stand here with his hand inside the warden's neckline, and he's tapping on her heart with great public courage: "For the sin we have sinned before You by hardening our hearts, and for the sin we have sinned before You through rape and willingly" and finishes, while her face bears the expression of pain common to women during intense pleasures, when it's unclear whether the pleasure comes from anger or vice versa. But if you still don't understand the principle - let's move on.

And he takes me to the weekly political section in hell, called: "For the sin we have sinned before You through foolish speech, and for the sin we have sinned before You through impure lips". And there in the department of the nation's greats, all the prime ministers are asking for forgiveness. Bibi says: I'm sorry, leftists, for shortening your lives by years due to the frustration I caused you over the frustration you felt because of me. And Golda: On this Yom Kippur, and with my hand on my heart, I must apologize for being right. Look how many people who won't go near the territories out of fear - are traveling to ISIS's Sinai. In other words, Sharm el-Sheikh without peace is better than the opposite. And Ben-Gurion: I'm sorry we won, and wasted precious victim credit that cost millions. We should have lost to the Arabs, and then under the patronage of UNRWA we would have been whining for ten generations that we're refugees from Europe, and carrying out attacks in Berlin. Missiles on the Reichstag! And the UN would have condemned Germany, and volunteers from Sweden would have done us a favor. And Barak speaks: I stand here today, before the Labor Party of all generations, the Kibbutz Movement, and the historic Mapai, and apologize for my apology to the Mizrahim [Jews of Middle Eastern and North African descent]. I lacked emotional intelligence. And Sharon: I apologize to Condoleezza's long legs. My wife had passed away, and I didn't know she was a lesbian. Today I would have been fired immediately. And Rabin: I apologize for Peres. And Peres: I apologize for Rabin. And Begin: I apologize for not apologizing but I was taught not to apologize. And Shamir: I am the poorest in deeds, trembling and afraid before the One who sits enthroned on the praises of Israel. I have come to plead and ask forgiveness in the name of my people Israel who sent me to say, that we ask forgiveness despite not apologizing for who we are, because you are actually to blame for this and should ask for forgiveness from Him, and then maybe we'll forgive you.

And I see that the bigger the sins - the opposite - the higher the sections in the Jewish afterlife. And Bialik says: This is the unique logic of Judaism. In the place where penitents stand - the completely righteous do not stand. Since intentional sins become merits when one repents, the greater the sin, the greater the virtue. And from here on it's simply too high and I can't accompany you, because I died before the establishment of the State of Israel and therefore I'm not Israeli and don't have citizenship, and only Israelis are allowed to enter sections with such rarefied air.

- Why, what's there?

- I can't tell you.

- Ah, I know! Now I'm going to meet the mythological ex and she'll finally ask me for forgiveness. I've waited years for this moment, how many times I've imagined her kneeling in tears before me and asking for forgiveness - and then I don't forgive her. And now the dream will finally come true.

And I run as fast as I can upwards, skipping all the boring sections, where the Poritz apologizes for the dog, and Jeroboam for the golden calf, and Stalin for the mustache that was really excessive, and Haman explains that Purim is almost Yom Kippur and he doesn't hear well with the poppy seeds and it was all a joke, and Pharaoh demonstrates beating his chest with heavy weight, etc. - straight to the back section, and there I see - with a shtreimel and sidelocks - actually a different mythological ex: Hitler.

And I almost swallow my tongue: Heil Hitler, everything alright? And Hitler curls his tallit [prayer shawl]: I really really ask for forgiveness. I was wrong, definitely. A grave mistake. If I hadn't persecuted the Jews I would have won. Do you know how many Jewish Nobel laureates I chased to the USA? Einstein himself. And how many genius Jews did I kill? If I hadn't been antisemitic, the Jews themselves would have built me the bomb and deciphered the codes for me, instead of pushing the Americans in my face, and the Nazis would have won the war - thanks to the German Jews.

And I don't understand anything anymore. If Hitler converts and repents - I'm converting to Christianity and becoming an apostate! Jonah the prophet was right - if the beast is so great. What is this Jewish afterlife, of repentance, which is both hell and paradise, what is this culture of confessions that is a combination of the process of repentance and the process of apostasy into a process of bewilderment?! And here I see a section that says: "For the sin we have sinned before You through scoffing, and for the sin we have sinned before You through evil speech". And they close the door behind me.