On the Eve of the Holiday

She's angry at me for not responding to her texts, and the entire conversation is tense even though I don't want it to come across as unpleasant, but the truth is I'm very angry too, and all the anger is suppressed, for both of us. And I say that I asked her not to write and that I never want to hear from her again in my life no matter what happens, not even if she really needs me too, that's what I mean. And in the end I can't overcome it and I ask, because if we're already talking - and I didn't want to talk at all - but you know

Candle Lighting and the Union of Souls  (Source)

I dreamed about her that my parents (still alive) are calling her despite my not wanting them to. They just want to wish her a happy new year or happy Passover and they insist. And my late mother calls and I'm standing next to her during the conversation, and I understand from what they're saying that she's pregnant and I hear and finally I get fed up and I take the phone and she continues to talk, and I'm quiet, and she thinks it's still them and she keeps telling and telling endless unimportant things she's doing, and doesn't get to personal matters and I'm waiting for her to continue talking maybe she'll reveal something to me, and on the other hand I'm surprised how much she's able to talk on and on without waiting for a response from the other side, and finally I get tired of it and I say into the receiver that it's me how are you, but my voice comes out angry like that, because I didn't control my voice because I thought to make a nice voice, and I'm walking and approaching her house while talking on the eve of the holiday, she lives in a kind of estate and I'm talking to her from the yard and walking in the yard around the house, and she's angry at me for not answering her texts, and the whole conversation is angry even though I don't want it to come out unpleasant but the truth is I'm very angry too and all the anger is suppressed like that, for both of us.

And I say that I asked her not to write and that I never want to hear from her again in my life ever no matter what happens, not even if she really needs me too, that's what I mean. And in the end I can't overcome it and I ask, because if we're already talking and I didn't want to talk at all but you know that my parents are crazy about you - and I hope that softens her to hear this - and they didn't want to listen to me, so I ask her how come you're pregnant so quickly not even three months have passed, and I care less about the pregnancy even if it's by accident, and it's probably by accident and she got excited about it, but how did she even get to such a situation, and I ask are you in a relationship with the father because it's clear to me there is a father. And all this despite there's no time to prolong the conversation because it took time to get to her, and soon the holiday begins, which I'm still not sure if it's Passover or Rosh Hashanah [Jewish New Year], and I'll miss the candle lighting.

And she says what do you mean he lives here with me we're already married, he's the most amazing guy the best I've ever had, you don't need more time than that when it's such a guy. And I try to understand from her what he has that I don't, and it's clear to me that many around her think she's gone crazy that she's pregnant so quickly but she's fine, and if everyone around is like that then maybe the guy is really less good than she says. But she's very comfortable and calm and at peace with herself that I've never seen her like this she's really become a country girl and she's happy to be pregnant, she's standing and cleaning the window in the bathroom and really doesn't care about being pregnant in the middle of her internship (although how does that work at all? It doesn't. She stopped studying). And she's also gained a lot of weight from the pregnancy and has become completely round even though it's supposed to be just the beginning, and the pregnancy itself bothers me less because it's in the future, although it seems to be progressing a lot, but it's clear to me that it can't be too advanced, and therefore unlike others who know her and are going crazy I can be calm because there's still time anyway (although it doesn't seem like she's in the mood for an abortion, but I know her that anything can still happen). But more I don't understand what happened how can it be after all she's so unstable and not sure of herself and now suddenly like this.

And I try to find out in the end with her for lack of choice - because I know her that she doesn't answer "insolent" questions and even if she answers you can't rely on it - what happened to her how is this (she knows implicitly what I think of her, but it's clear to me that she thinks I'm wrong, and certainly now that she's changed and this is a long argument between us that was) and she doesn't want to tell, maybe so as not to hurt me or something else (you can't know), and I also want to tell her about my wife who is excellent and that I also found, but I don't feel like telling her about my life and don't want to hurt her, and as far as I'm concerned let her think that I'm miserable that I haven't found yet and she doesn't deserve to know, after she hurt me more than any other person in the world. After I loved her more than any other.

And she asks why I didn't send her the dreams she asked to see, and I say it's none of her business and one day she'll see them on the internet - I try to say it gently to appease her, and to tell her in this actually that one day I will succeed with them so that she'll regret in her heart. But she's all busy with how amazing the guy is, and how much she loves him the most, more than she ever loved before (and I know her that she can love insanely really), and therefore pregnant so quickly and it's okay and she's glowing like a sun circle.

And now it's already evening, and sunset has already happened and the holiday has already begun and he's back, the guy comes home, without a suit without a hat without a kippah [Jewish skullcap] secular (!), and immediately you see that he's not okay, his face is ugly he's a head shorter than me speaks in a strange way and I don't understand what she found in him, maybe he's smart and I start to interrogate him in front of her because she doesn't say anything about him, questions like an investigation where is he from in the country. And he says from the field in Jerusalem there's some huge field in the middle of the city if I remember, because he maybe thinks I'm his friend? And that he moved to her here meaning he moved to live with her and not vice versa, and he talks like a complete idiot and answers every question because he's naive, and I ask what do you do in life and he says I'm a driver, from the drivers, you know what drivers are? And I don't understand what she found in him (after she didn't want me because I wasn't good enough - and also didn't earn money), and I ask okay what did you study, maybe he studied something cool, like mathematics or philosophy. And he says administration, you know what that is? And I don't need to ask where he studied in high school (he doesn't look like someone who studied in a yeshiva [Jewish religious school]) although he would answer me.

And he, instead of a prayer book to make kiddush [blessing over wine], opens some prayer book for me and you see things he wrote there, and I think maybe this creature is talented in writing he probably writes wonderfully and is smart terribly genius if she wants one like that, because I know she has sky-high standards and no one is good enough for her, and because something needs to compensate, and it needs to be something crazy, considering the situation, and I see that he wrote poems there like a retarded child. And I ask her what is he maybe exceptionally excellent in sex, what did you find in him, it probably has to be that because otherwise what is she doing with him, and she says: That's not the most important thing, what's important is that I love him the most like I've never loved anyone else ever and all the rest who were, the other guys, it's nothing compared to him. And that she's the happiest and most in love she's ever been, or that it's possible to be at all, and that this is it. And when it's it it's it.