The Tale of a Queen

She will be my face to the outside world, my armor, my front - and I will be swallowed within her, only occasionally peeking out through the helmet before immediately retreating back inside. Just like a cat afraid to leave the house, or an ultra-Orthodox Jew afraid to question his faith, or a dreamer afraid to leave the bed, or a writer afraid to leave the computer, or a circle afraid to leave the black lines - or a man with a fantasy of being inside a woman. And I embark on a brave, daring, and experimental journey to find my dream queen, according to the Jewish code of chivalry

Catherine the Great (Source)

I dreamed that I was searching for a patroness, one who would love dreams and mediate between me and the world. Why a woman? Because I hate men. And I don't get along with them. So why shouldn't dream literature be like courtly literature? All I need is one true queen, like in the Middle Ages, but this time a queen of the Information Age. And then courtly love will transform into PR love: she will be my face to the outside world, my armor, my front - and I will be swallowed within her, only occasionally peeking out through the helmet before immediately retreating back inside. Just like a cat afraid to leave the house, or an ultra-Orthodox Jew afraid to question his faith [Translator's note: "to leave in question" is an idiom meaning to question one's faith], or a dreamer afraid to leave the bed, or a writer afraid to leave the computer, or a circle afraid to leave the black lines - or a man with a fantasy of being inside a woman.

And I embark on a brave, daring, and experimental journey to find my dream queen, according to the Jewish code of chivalry. But it's already clear to me that this won't be a dream, and that it's a special and uniquely complicated covert operation. Because first, one must leave the lying down and the sitting and locate (in the library?) the monstrous dragon of our era, which threatens the queen and the entire kingdom. And then one must defeat it on its own secular turf, using tricks I learned from the Talmud, and save the queen through deadly creative pilpul [Translator's note: "pilpul" refers to a method of Talmudic analysis and debate], which the dragon doesn't understand where it's coming from, causing it to collapse under itself. And then she will fall in love with me, the dark knight of dreams, because I'm a manly secular man and not a pathetic ultra-Orthodox, in a wonderful timing for the decision to grant her to me as a prize, thus fulfilling the holy trinity, from the Middle Ages to our days (so far): sex, money, and violence (that is, everything I have no clue about). And only then - will I be able to realize my love and my plan to disappear inside her and never return, only occasionally sticking out a tongue of fire through her throat, and burning whoever calls her fat (and doesn't respect that I'm inside - and a queen's right over her body). And I lie in bed thinking: what is the great dragon of our time? Who is the great monster of our era, constantly breathing fire and smoke, threatening to swallow everything, and taking the whole world under its wings? There's only one candidate: Facebook! Therefore, I need to find its belly, and thrust a very long lance into it, and then the entire kingdom will breathe a sigh of relief.

But I start to think that it's very dangerous to stab a very long sword into the middle of Facebook, into its soft underbelly. Because the situation today is so severe, with such neglect in the world of nobility, that the dragon has probably long since swallowed the noble queen, and I might kill her inside. This is certainly not the right way into the queen's heart. It's better if the dragon eats me too, and then with nail scissors (really, where would I get a lance from?) I'll carefully cut my way out, after I find the queen inside it. And I open Facebook, and hop hop hop run with the scissors and jump through its maw inside - and indeed the fire burns me completely, but I'm already black, what can you do to me. And I'm swallowed inside the Facebook monster, among all sorts of hidden wings and obscure features and secret algorithms, deep inside the dominant demonic entity of our time, and start looking for internal organs, in the darkness. The horse of the knight of the Information Age is a Trojan horse.

And indeed, this is a very strange monster, different from anything known to science, even medieval science. And I start cutting my way with my nails (because I lost the scissors, and therefore my nails grew very long). Here I prick an organ and it sprays me with someone's secret black material, and there I extract a bit of dripping blood from someone who underwent a lynchernet [Translator's note: a portmanteau of "lynch" and "internet"], but the blood is also black, and I cut some cable here, to pass through, some information pipe there, to see what it does, interesting, maybe a global malfunction, and even try to tickle it from the inside - and all the organs suddenly vibrate and shake and bounce me and the network rages with some silly scandal, but then I'm seized with fear that the monster might burp - and I'll be crushed. And so I continue to search inside it, thinking that no one has ever been so chivalrous, to fight the monster from within the monster, and this is an incredibly complicated monster. Until finally I start to advance towards some dim pink light in the black, which now seems to me to be right there, and softer. Maybe this is the queen's area?

And I reach a fork in the monster and am forced to choose: there are two dim pink and round directions, and I can only go to one of them, right or left? Which of them will lead to the true queen? Although they both look exactly the same to me. Therefore, the choice can only be ideological, because there really is no difference, it's exactly the same DNA, and in order not to get stuck in the choice I do the opposite: eeny-meeny-miny-moe. And I swim inside the right fatty medium for days, it's very viscous, until I reach its end, hoping that here finally is the passage to the queen, or maybe the exit, and here I see that its head is blocked by a giant button, because in the end even the right, when you get to the head, is ultra-Orthodox with a hat. And I realize that I made a wrong turn and am forced to make the whole journey back, and swim inside the left, which is no less fatty, and here at the head of the left, there's also a giant button in the shape of a hat, blocking everything, they're also ultra-Orthodox, just from the left side. Completely symmetrical. And I sit down despairing next to the upper part of the left, and don't understand where to go from here. Where's the exit? Where's the queen they promised me? And only then does it suddenly dawn on me: I'm inside the breasts.

If so, there's only one way to explain this, and not through dragon anatomy - I'm already inside the queen. And I understand that I now need to strive downwards, down down, more and more, to the black hole, there's the exit from which I'll never want to leave, but only peek out to the world. That's the place for a black circle. There's the dream, the bed and the home of the house cat - and there the mistress will delight in me all the days. And only one thing I don't understand. When did I manage to be swallowed inside the queen, without noticing? What, could it be that she waited with a gaping mouth inside the throat of the Facebook dragon, and when I jumped inside into the fire and lost the scissors, I was actually swallowed twice, one after another, in a throat within a throat - and I didn't notice? And only after weeks of wandering, deep inside the black of black of the belly, do I desperately realize the true situation: there is no dragon at all. Facebook is the queen, and the queen is herself the monster, and the monster - she is my queen. And I'm inside her - with no way out, trapped for eternity.