A dating site you don't want to know

Why do women have breasts and men don't? It's really not fair. Couldn't I have breastfed? Couldn't I have had a cleavage, which I would hide, and then charge favors for the pleasure of even a small glimpse? Why doesn't anyone desire me on the street, why doesn't anyone harass me? If the world were reversed, men would be happy to be harassed, and women would be exempt from it - so why the injustice? And I wonder where, as a man, they would treat me like a woman. Where would they harass me? Because people don't believe that a black man can secretly hide a small circular hole inside, and that a woman can have sidelocks and a beard

Woman, half-woman, obscure idiom fragments - that's enough (Source)

I dreamed I was a woman. I mean, my dream is to be a woman. Because God is a man, so like every man, he has an unconscious weakness for women, including young women who are not at all relevant to him, and could be the granddaughter of his great-granddaughter. Because in relation to him, even a grandmother nun is a young chick, and any touch of God on a woman could end in an accusation of sexual harassment - that's why all the prophets and founders of religions are men. And the secular are just waiting to catch him on this, because it would collapse all three religions with one push of a hand - to the wrong place. And it doesn't matter what God would say then (as a feminist, I wanted a religion led by a woman?) - the man in him would defeat his divinity, and he would be perceived as just another despicable rabbi who took advantage of his position. And it won't help the Creator of the world even if this would be proof that he exists. Because if you harass, it doesn't matter at all what you did, even if you created the world. And since it's under power relations - then by definition it's rape - no matter if they expressed enthusiastic consent to the proximity of God.

Therefore, he hides well behind nature, but to anyone who sees the world, it's completely clear what God's sexual preference is, even if it's denied a million times. Because femininity is an amazing thing, attractive and of general prestige, and what can you do, metaphysics works before the divine point of view. And masculinity - it's a hideously disgusting thing. And it's even contrary to evolution and nature, where the male is the peacock and he is the beautiful and attractive one. So it's clear that there's an unfair intervention of God's hand here, stemming from sexual orientation, namely real sexual harassment. And this is true not only in matter - but also in spirit: the metaphysics of the world is sexual harassment.

Look at the favoritism, real bribery under power relations: never mind all the advantages women have in sex, but God exempted them from all the annoying things in his religion. First of all, exemption from time-bound positive commandments, which are the commandments I hate the most, like getting up in the morning for prayer in the middle of a dream. And exemption from circumcision, after all, if women were circumcised, the screams would rise to heaven and Judaism would become an extinct religion. And above all: a scandalous exemption from studying the Talmud - his number one torture. Where's the justice? Women can do whatever they want, even be writers, while we are imprisoned in the four cubits of law, and at most we'll be writers of nonsense. And why do women have breasts and men don't? It's really not fair and not just. I couldn't breastfeed? Couldn't I have had a cleavage, which I would hide, and then charge favors for the pleasure of even a small glimpse? Why doesn't anyone desire me on the street, why doesn't anyone harass me? If the world were reversed, men would be happy to be harassed, and women would be exempt from them - so why the injustice?

And I think about where, as a man, they would treat me like a woman. Where would they harass me? Because people don't believe that a black man can secretly hide a small circular hole inside, and that a woman can have sidelocks and a beard. And I understand that there's only one place where I can be proud of myself as a man - and desired and harassed - and that's on a gay dating site. And I call myself "the man of dreams" and write: "Ultra-Orthodox woman in the body of an Ultra-Orthodox man looking for a match - with a secular man in the body of a secular woman. Let's live the dream in bed and outwardly be a normative religious couple". But the site disappoints me greatly. Everyone just strives for the point and no one invests in quality harassment, or even refers to what I wrote - but only to the pictures (selfie from the mikveh [ritual bath] without a face - ignites the secular imagination). No one courts me with words, like a real woman, and I feel like a whore and not like a lady. And in general, there are two-thirds passive and only one-third active. Meaning many more men want to be women than to be men (because the advantages are clear, no one likes time-bound positive commandments). So it's like living in a world where for every man there are two women. As a woman - it doesn't suit me.

So I move to a dating site for straight people. And this is already a significant improvement. I open a profile, and immediately receive lots of likes. And strangely enough, it flatters me very much. Even though the picture isn't real but a drawing I drew of how I'd like to look, and everything isn't really me, but the woman I'd like to be, that is - more me than my real self. And I write in the profile: "Modest but not pretentious doctoral student". Or: "Neuropsychologist who doesn't believe in the human brain - and not in the human soul either - but does in the body". Or "A cat who loves to bark and doesn't touch mice - so what makes me a cat?". This is how I change the description each time and each time I log into the site to see how many men have approached me and harassed me. And if not enough approach, I'm hurt and offended to the depths of my soul and femininity, and change the profile. And if more start with me then I'm happy but always want more and more and it's not enough for me, like a nymphomaniac.

And the men go crazy - some write pathetic messages and some invest and some reveal to me perversions they haven't revealed to their mother, or married men who only trust me despite having no trust in them, and virgins who only ask to come work for me 24/7 as slaves, and there are stadiums of men who just want to say hi or hey or hi:), or invite me to threesomes because I'm liked by their wives too (!). Everyone, everyone approaches, from well-known philosophy lecturers (names kept in the dream system) to rats with smartphones (names kept in the sewage system). And I don't stop chasing likes obsessively and am flattered by the harassment even though it's not me at all, but the woman in their dream - who meets the woman in my dream, in a dreamy encounter. And there's a box on the site where they ask what are the six things you can't do without. And I decide to break the site and write: "The five books of Torah. And sex". And I fall asleep on the computer, and in the morning I wake up and my profile has crashed from too many approaches, there's no more room in the box and it's impossible to answer, and I'm fed up. These men are so shallow. No one asked me about the five books of Torah.

But precisely from the offers for threesomes, and from the nice compliments from married women to husbands with fantasies, something real finally grows for me. Because something finally awakens in me, some sexual identity that I've repressed for years upon years, women upon women, because society wasn't ready to accept it, and I didn't imagine it could even exist. Although it's what I really felt in the depths of my soul (only now do I understand) - it was the unconscious dream beneath the dream. Because I understand that as a woman - I'm not into men at all. I'm a lesbian! A lesbian in a man's body. I've never read about it and didn't know it could even exist, even on the internet it doesn't exist. And it seems to me that it would be very difficult to convince the world that I'm not just another straight man. And another straight religious man of the nasty kind who wants lesbians specifically. And precisely the LGBTQ world will ostracize me, that's clear to me, lesbians will abhor me, even though I'm one of them. What a shame to be who I am, even if I were secular! And all the more so that as a black man it would be very difficult for me to find a woman interested in me as a woman. But only because we've reached a messianic era - the Holy One, blessed be He, in His great mercy for those with inclinations (and especially His fondness for lesbians), even allows this.

Because this is the first period in human history where you as a man can pretend to be a lesbian, on a lesbian dating site, and talk to another woman who is interested in you as a woman. Or at least in the woman inside you. You can write in the profile that you're a woman with a rich male inner world, and send her - as a woman writing as a man - what you really write - and she'll be excited. Meaning you can be yourself - like I haven't been for decades. And it's much more fun than a dating site with men (yuck of a people! Full partner to God's opinion). You can really have conversations, and correspond for months without meeting, which men would never agree to in life, and fall in love with lesbians and have them fall in love with your true self. To conduct perfect complete virtual relationships, without the flesh spoiling the pure love between souls. And there's even an option there called "wonderful friendship" for the purpose of the connection - so you don't have to lie. The best thing is that you no longer need to lie. Not to myself and not to others. A whole life of lies and self-deception is over. I'm a lesbian.