How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Conversion Therapy

What would your mother say, if she were alive, that you've turned into an animal? And if it starts like this, all men will pretend to be cats, everyone would prefer a cat's life after all, and what will the women do? It's already hard to even imagine, because there's a feeling that if we dare to imagine, something shocking will come to mind. Something that's better not to imagine at all. Not to give ideas. No no, it's not personal, if we give in to you - it always starts with the first cat - and ends in a snowball of fur and howls, and the cat will start to gain momentum, and it will end in revolution. The end of humanity

"A convert who reveals himself is like an idolater in every respect" - Jerusalem Talmud (Source)

I dreamed they were telling me what's this, society can't finance a person pretending to be a cat. Why should we pay taxes for you to eat from a bowl? You've only repressed the inner human within you, with which you were born. Out of disregard for the tremendous literary potential of the human soul, you write that you're a cat and throw the great human spirit in the trash, as if it's a trivial matter, and it offends us personally. You weren't meant to be just a cat - but the crown of creation, like us. What would your mother say, if she were alive, that you've turned into an animal? And if it starts like this, all men will pretend to be cats, everyone would prefer a cat's life after all, and what will the women do? It's already hard to even imagine, because there's a feeling that if we dare to imagine, something shocking will come to mind. Something that's better not to imagine at all. Not to give ideas. No no, it's not personal, if we give in to you - it always starts with the first cat - and ends in a snowball of fur and howls, and the cat will start to gain momentum, and it will end in revolution. The end of humanity. Because they're already talking about post-humanism. But we always thought it would be something truly amazing, like artificial intelligence, or a network of minds, or a superhuman. And here's how the world ends: with a cat.

And they send me to cat conversion therapy, to turn me into a human. Or more precisely, to return me to the humanity I lost along the way, and couldn't find my way back. Because we were all born equal, we're all human beings regardless of religion, race, and tail. Here, they pat my head, you too were created in God's image. And you want to tell me that God has a tail? And anyway, you really need this in this crisis state, between cat and human, you must have professional support to help you understand if you really want to be a cat. To find your true inner self, in case you got confused, because maybe you started meowing for fun, just like that in front of the mirror, and then convinced yourself that you're really a cat. It happens, there are very famous people on TV, whom we all know, who were once convinced they were cats - and look where they are today, as human beings. Therapy will do you good, invest a little in yourself. Just 500 shekels an hour to give someone to listen to your howls. Let them all out - and you'll discover that after you've run out of all your howls, you're left a human. That's the power of talk therapy, which works best in howl therapy. Freud was a genius, a creative giant, and most importantly - a mensch [Yiddish: a person of integrity and honor]. The most important thing is to be human.

And the psychocat, the psychologist specializing in cats, is actually very nice, and starts playing cat and mouse with me. And every time we play and I chase after the mouse and he hides it, and tells me: I'll give you the mouse, if you just do one small thing, what do you care. Instead of eating from the bowl - eat from the plate. Instead of chasing and killing a cockroach - scream in fear. Instead of growing fur - grow baldness. Slowly like this - until he turns me into a real human. And he presents me at a conference as an example of successful conversion. A therapeutic breakthrough, contrary to all prejudices against conversions: look here at a miserable cat - who became a happy human. Look how he sits here in the audience, without you even being able to identify him, and will immediately go up on stage - not on all fours - and answer questions - and not in howls. He advances a slide in the presentation, and it says: The victory of science over cat syndrome, and the excited audience applauds, and he moves the arrow sign to click, and here I see: he's holding a mouse in his hand! And I leap from my seat, jump over the heads of the scientists, make a leap for the stage, knock over the computer - and stand on the table excited (on two legs, as I've learned well!) - holding the mouse in my mouth. And although everyone is open-mouthed at the performance - no one applauds me.

And they tell me that I'm a case of the type that requires deep treatment, because conversion from a cat is not just an external matter, it's really a religious conversion. A cat is a spiritual disease. And they start taking me to a certified rabbinic converter, who has already converted a Muslim to Christianity, and a converted Christian back to Judaism, and they say that one day he will be able to solve the conflict - so a cat is small for him. And they say he converts from all religions to all religions in the world, while maintaining file quality (and even improving it!). For him it's really a game: he converts a Buddhist to Shintoist to Taoist to Hindu and then back to Buddhist, just for morning practice. Then at noon he converts a letter, for example if he feels like changing 'g' to 'a', and then Agnon [famous Israeli author] becomes Ganon and if you try hard you'll see that you have a good many reasons to approach in order to reach the level of great revelation in conversion like him, you black disgusting cat, round and repulsive. And then in the evening, after converting 'a' and 'g' back, he plays before sleep with converting secular people, from capitalist to feminist to securitist to relativist to startupist to humanist to massagist, and falls asleep with a pampering massage. And they tell me: Mr. Cat, if he doesn't wean you off your howls - no one will help anymore.

And I come to the converting Admor [Hasidic leader] in the morning, just as a transvestite who was there at night is leaving his room, and say: Our master, our converter and our rabbi, please convert me, if you can, to an attractive and successful and rich man. And the converting rabbi says: It doesn't work like that. First, you need to want to be a man. As a man, you'll already want to be attractive. And to be attractive you'll want to succeed. And then you'll work like crazy to be rich. And then if you're rich - you can afford to be a cat, like you always dreamed. That is, if you want to be a cat in your dream, you need to want to be a man in reality. That's how capitalism works. Who is rich? He who is happy with his cat, right? You understand? And I say with a bewildered look: Meow? And he rocks in his chair: Or did you want me to convert you to socialism, why didn't you say so?

And he starts to chant in the tune of a Talmudic argument: Do you have a dream? Yes. A dream to be equal like everyone? Of course. Meaning a dream to be like him? Obviously. That is - a dream that he will be like you? Right. But then - if you're a cat he can't be like you, and therefore you need to be a human like him - and then - his dream will also be to be like you! And so we'll live in an egalitarian society, like we all dream of living in (including cats! They too want the same thing as everyone, because we want an egalitarian society, right?). And then, in that egalitarian paradise, or then, you'll merit the greatest of all honor in this world - they will no longer discriminate against you on feline grounds. Or maybe you want a feminist explanation?

And the meow that I slip into the stream of words doesn't even disturb him for a moment to continue: That is, you understand, people think that conversion is really something difficult and terrible, because things are so different and solid in their skull, but the truth is, they're not as different as secular people imagine. You need to understand that the brain internally is plastic and fluid, and that the world is dreamlike. That all the difference between a human and a cat is just the external mold, and therefore if you've reached fluid consciousness you can turn twice a minute from cat to human and vice versa - as needed - and no one will care who you are, and especially those who really care who you are, and ask who is this black circle, instead of asking what it is. Because it only seems like all these -isms are contradictory, in square minds, but really all these ideologies are the same, if you have a round-shaped mind. Because what's the problem with all the secular people? That they haven't learned the doctrine of reincarnations, and don't understand circles. After all, it's written in the holy books that a man's soul can reincarnate in a woman, and vice versa, and a soul can even reincarnate in an animal, for example a cat, and why shouldn't a soul reincarnate in a circle? Is there anything more suitable than a circle for reincarnation?

And I look at the converting Admor and meow enthusiastically: Meow, meow!! And he continues passionately: What do you think, if Rabbi Shach [prominent ultra-Orthodox rabbi] had been in ancient Greece, wouldn't he have been gay and an Epicurean? And what do you think, if Plato had been born ultra-Orthodox, wouldn't he have been Rabbi Shach? And if a cat was born a circle, wouldn't it meow? And if Rabbi Shach had been born a dog, wouldn't he bite? And if a circle was born black, doesn't it turn? In short, anyone who claims something, if they were born the opposite, they would claim the opposite. This is the secret of opposite tendencies. He only thinks he determines what he thinks, but the truth is that the secret of reincarnations is thousands of times stronger than him. And if only people understood that they reincarnate, then even in this incarnation they would give respect to cats. Not to mention circles.

And I purr with satisfaction, and he too is very pleased and continues: Bibi [Netanyahu] would have been a Hamas member if he had been born Palestinian, and if Arafat had been Jewish he would have been Kahane [far-right Israeli politician]. So relax. There's no contradiction between cat and human. You understand, you can be human! There's no contradiction between gay and straight. How could there be? There's no contradiction even between man and woman! There's not even a contradiction between Jew and Arab, at most you'll be a self-hating Jew, meaning an excellent Jew. This is the true consciousness of the Messianic era, the dreamlike consciousness. Because every circle at night is black, and you can't be the same cat twice, just as you can't dream the same dream twice, unlike the moralists, for whom it's always the same thing. Or at most a lady in a different dress, and you just need to lift the skirt - and voila! Underneath the same naked ex-wife. Because feminist and chauvinist are the same bullshit. And right-wing and left-wing - the same boredom. Have you ever heard of someone who got bored in their own dream? And on the other hand people's lives are so boring, that they're just waiting between scandal and scandal.

And he strokes my head, exactly as I like, and explains in a caressing voice: You know why? Because they've never really undergone transformation. They're just realizing themselves, and what's more boring than realizing yourself? Imagine if one year they decided they were Kahanist, and the second year Arab, and the third year a dog, and the fourth year an ultra-Orthodox who's afraid of dogs. You understand what rich consciousness they would have - for the poor in spirit? This is the secret we should have learned from the Christians, where Jesus turns into bread. Why shouldn't Moses turn into matzah? Or an egg in cholent? Or even kugel?

And the converter takes drops of water, and says: I apologize because I know how much cats love water, but this isn't water but I've converted it to milk, as cats love. And he sprinkles: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Spirit of the Age, I convert you to a super-human: cathuman. And purify you from the original sin of antiquity and genetics. And what will racism do in a world where every person can be a new race, blood that has never flowed before? A completely original creature, a new species! A thousand times more than being gay. Or straight. Go to hell with all your identities, and your politics, which are always pushing in between my lines for urgent conversions, especially if they bet on the wrong identity - that went out of fashion. Identity is such an oppressive thing 1=1=1, identity is the most trivial relation that human logic invented, and precisely for that reason it's so popular today, because I am me is me is me. Today instead of people having a soul, that goes through reincarnations, they have an identity. And they vote according to their identity and identify with all kinds of people in the news, in the stupid series, they even judge literature by identification, the fools - and they've even turned Judaism into an identity. Horrible. And just be careful - that they don't turn catness into a cat identity. And he howls at the top of his voice: Meeeeeow!

And I listen to the rabbi-cat mesmerized, and he continues to teach me the laws of cats: Therefore - don't be another victim of identity politics. You need to be both for Bibi and against him. To identify with everyone - is to identify with the Creator of the world. Because the logical enemy of identity is imagination - you need to live the dream. To turn and flip like a proud circle around your axis - a thousand times a day. Once, in the classical world, there were metamorphoses, they believed in change, it was a central narrative, the gods themselves would disguise themselves, and whoever believes in God certainly needs to believe that everything is possible, everything is a miracle, everything is Purim, and its opposite. Once, the mystics would investigate their reincarnations throughout the generations, and understand themselves as composed of characters, and if for example a murderer or rapist reincarnated in you - you correct his soul, and if a barren woman reincarnated in you - that explains a few things, right? - and so all the tendencies and contradictions in your personality... You understand what rich psychology they had? Today if you claim you're a cat they'll laugh at you, and it will be considered a flawed narrative. But this is the solution to all tensions and conflicts, this is the inner essence of the Torah: conversion, conversion, conversion! And I say: Meow? And he says: Now ask what. And I say: What? And he says: You see? And now ask meow. And I say: Meow? And he says: Excellent. When you leave this room, ask them what. But between us we know that you're really a cat and really the intention is meow. Understand? And I say: What? And he opens the door wide and shouts: Next in line - for the converting Baba [wise man]!