Sex with the State of Israel

So this is Israel's afterlife: Since I have no physical existence, I neither eat nor drink, neither sleep nor dream, but become a pure political animal, a pure and innocent soul of the Israeli person - my spirit lives only from election to election and from news broadcast to news broadcast, without all the unnecessary filler in between

Viewing the Future from the Grave (Source)

I dreamed I was terminally ill, all the doctors and rabbis had given up hope, and I'm praying in bed to God: Please, Lord, give me more time - I want to know what happened in the end with Bibi. And God indeed can no longer intervene for me physically, because with modern science there's always a chance a scientist will check the atoms and discover a deviation from Newton's laws or something like that - and that's not done, but He can certainly intervene in spirit. Because although everyone at the funeral thought they had finally gotten rid of me, like any good ultra-Orthodox Jew - I continue to vote after my death.

And precisely because my identity is so blurred behind the circle, and no one can tell the difference between this black and another black anyway, death only upgrades my right to vote, and my ID card becomes a tradable currency. One day I vote for one local authority, another day in the primaries for another party, a third day for the labor union and on the fourth - for the building committee, you can go with me from polling station to polling station and vote again and again, sometimes for conflicting candidates, and I'm really enjoying that it's precisely after my death that I had a renaissance. Who would have thought this is what paradise looks like. It turns out there is life after death - political life! Let all the secular heretics eat their hats.

And finally I understand what God meant by what they told me about the grave: "All Israel has a portion in the World to Come" - as it is said, "Your people are all righteous". So this is Israel's afterlife: Since I have no physical existence, I neither eat nor drink, neither sleep nor dream, but become a pure political animal, a pure and innocent soul of the Israeli person - my spirit lives only from election to election and from news broadcast to news broadcast, without all the unnecessary filler in between. Aristotle was right! The essence of man is the political, and now only what's important remains, and this is what was hidden behind all of God's promises. Thus a Jewish soul can yearn for eternal life - politics continues even after us, and as a political entity I continue to wander throughout history, into the future, much faster than when I lived all the unnecessary life around it:

And at first it always looks the same. Although parties rise and fall, and I watch with pleasure how what was once an eternal ruling party doesn't pass the electoral threshold, and how the old right becomes the new right and the new left becomes the old left, but everyone is always essentially in the same role-playing game on the same eternal scale of right and left and center and extremists (plus or minus those who don't count anyway - Arabs and ultra-Orthodox). But then slowly progress brings change to the ancient division. Because even the living people in our country no longer live in the country - but in virtuality. And they too begin to skip going to the bathroom and all kinds of unnecessary bodily activities, and become pure political entities - holy souls. As it is said: Your people are all righteous!

The physical expression - the material, the inferior - of man is gradually replaced by the spiritual, ideological, higher expression: what the holy soul has to say about politics. And since there is no longer a body, then the expression of the physical is only in elections. Because after a few dozen election cycles in which gender politics reigns supreme, and after we've always been taught that what's important is right versus left, we finally discover what's really important: men versus women. After all, a person simply votes according to their tribe, expressing their identity, and what's more basic to your identity than sex? Women are the first to be the smart ones who rebel against the entire patriarchal structure of the old hierarchies, and now that there is no right and left - women establish the Women's Party, instead of the left. And men watch the spectacle in horror, because it's known that 51% of the population is always women, and they will never win elections despite being half the population, but they have no choice and they establish the Men's Party, instead of the right.

And the political commentators are moved to tears: these elections represent the dawn of a new day. A new order has risen on the stage of history. And after I was already completely despairing of the circular political masquerade ball, I almost jump in my grave with excitement from the excitement of the broadcasters: once in a lifetime (I mean, oops, in death) there is real change in the world. Maybe we'll even move from patriarchy to matriarchy! It turns out that history doesn't just repeat itself in circles, but there really is a future, finally new politics, clean, clear, without games. Head to head: the two sexes.

But pretty quickly it turns out that it's not enough. Because even within men and women there are splits. In no time women are fighting among themselves, and an extreme left party is established - the Lesbian Party, and against it an extreme right party - the Gay Party. And there's also the Trans Party that always chooses to run despite never passing the electoral threshold (because its representatives defect to the other side), and other vote-wasters like the Asexuals, the Pansexuals, or the Androgynous and Tumtum [Translator's note: Talmudic terms for individuals of indeterminate sex] Unity Party, and all kinds of quirky queer parties that you need to be an intellectual to understand why they're running and what they want. And the frustration with the situation between the sexes and the binary division of the stuck political system causes the rise of the Bisexual Party, which tries to position itself as a centrist party that appeals to both right and left without a clear statement, but always joins any coalition. And of course as always outside the camp there's the eternal leper - the modest ultra-Orthodox party, which fights against the pride parties, and mainly wants them to stop talking about sex all the time.

But in the end, after a very passionate election campaign, a national unity government is formed that earns the derogatory nickname "straight government", and it's the most boring coalition that does nothing. And all the small parties hate it and mock the petty and gray politics behind it, and the multitude of ministers and deals: Minister of Dishwashing in exchange for Deputy Minister of Garbage Disposal. And once again the same boring politics returns in the end. Because when the body is no longer interesting without politics, then the physical becomes political, and then the political also becomes boring. And only one thing still arouses curiosity and imagination in the world. Because this is the secret of democracy and it's not shown on the news - how do parties come into the world?

And all the children who have long been part of the smartphone, and like adults have no physical existence outside the network (and were themselves produced in a test tube), don't understand how it actually works in practice, I mean there are polls, and there are results, but something is missing in the middle, where do the parties come from, from the stork? And their parents blush and tell them: Wait, that's for 18+. Who taught you to ask that? That's not for your age yet, it's for adults only. When you grow up you'll understand. And then at 18 they tell the children that they've already become adults, and therefore take them to a political education lesson, to teach them the "facts of democracy". And the children open their mouths in amazement, and the teacher (all red) explains:

Once every four years, adults feel a need to do something. There are all kinds of natural biological signs for this, like swelling of veins in the neck, or raising of the voice, or unexplained tension, and some kind of inner excitement. They feel a need to do something physical, not just virtual, you understand? And then, and this is a completely natural thing that happens in every election season, they get up from the computer (the children are shocked) leave the house (the children giggle in embarrassment) and go to a public place (the children are mesmerized in disgust), and there they unite with the state behind the curtain. And there in the dark, without anyone seeing, in privacy (it's very important that it's in privacy!) the adults (including your parents), unite with their conscience and love the State of Israel.

And then one of the children, the most mischievous of all, asks: But how, how do they love it?

And the teacher answers, trembling all over: There's this kind of slit there, and each of us has genetic material. There are those who are gay, or straight, or anything else God gave us, it's all legitimate, the state doesn't judge us. And each of us chooses our own correct material, and only our own, and takes our white material and pushes it deep into the narrow black slit, and releases, and then at that moment endorphins are released in the brain and one feels a sense of elation and enormous pleasure, a feeling of euphoria and great satisfaction, that here one has performed one's civic duty for democracy - and that, children, is what's called sex.