Sex and Diaspora Judaism

A million Jews in Japan and a million Jews in China - this should be the goal of Judaism in the next century. This is the dream for the next century instead of Zionism. And then there will be a cultural flourishing of true Jewish-Eastern culture

The Fisherman's Wife's Dream - Hokusai (Source)

I dreamed that I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back asleep, and decided to enter a dating site to alleviate the loneliness and chat with a lonely female soul from another world, which is the app version for righteous people who wake up at night to get closer to the Shechinah's sorrow. But there's no one on the site at such an hour. The world outside is dead. And then the most wonderful idea in the world popped into my head. Maybe I've never left the country, but I can travel the world and meet girls from all over. I have absolute freedom to write on the site which city I'm in, and make a quantum leap like the righteous. So I can be in Paris and also in Rome, but New York is the city with the most Jewish women in the world.

And I change my profile picture to a cat with a shtreimel, and write that I'm an ultra-Orthodox from Brooklyn, under the nickname bad_jew. This will surely turn them on like it does Israeli women. And someone approaches me under the nickname Jewish American Princess, a Jewish woman who looks like a shiksa. But I fail already at the initial flirting stage, I never imagined that even in a dream I'm trapped in language. And she writes: Kitty in fox fur, judging by your broken English you're not American but Israeli. Where's your profile on JSwipe?

- What's that?

- It's Tinder for Jews, don't you know? The most popular dating app in American Judaism. For Jews who want to have sex with Jews nearby. So come on, prove you're nearby.

- Crazy! Why only Jews?

- We prefer Jewish men, or J's, as they're called here. I'm sure you'll understand why from the shape of the letter.

- Are you making fun of a black cat in the middle of the night?

- Well, Jews are the best at sex, didn't you know? Look even at the OkCupid data. Jewish men are the most sought-after demographic in America by women of all other races, and at the bottom are Asian men. And likewise, Jewish women are preferred by men of all other races, with Black women at the bottom. These are real data of what happens on the site. Not a survey or gut feeling. Including one-night stands.

- But why? The cat doesn't understand. Isn't our dream supposed to be shiksas?

- Listen, kitty, circumcised men last much longer, and anyone born to a Jewish mother lives with an active complex of pleasing women. And on the flip side - everyone knows that Jewish women are the leaders of the new sex in the US, and actually in the world. From academia to popular culture. It started with Freud and Philip Roth and ended with Ruth Westheimer and Rachel Bloom. What did you think, that Jews would neglect the hottest field in capitalism? Our sexual capital is at the top of the pyramid. So maybe we can contribute a bit from the American cousin, and that's maybe what I'm trying to figure out here, and what you're trying to schnorr here. So where's your real location? Don't tell me you're in the Holy Land.

- But that's not what the diaspora is supposed to do at all! We were exiled from our land and distanced from our soil to have sex between cultures, that is, to mate Jewish culture with gentile culture.

- You're definitely in Israel! I actually met some very cute ultra-Orthodox men. Much better than the disgusting Israeli men. How did you Israelis manage to ruin Jewish sex?

- Well, it's Zionism's fault, not ours. But is this the project of American Jewry, sex?

- It's become the most leading and avant-garde field in culture, thanks to Judaism. The engine of social revolutions, the last successful project of liberalism. What's better, to settle? Is that Israel's project? How unsexy! A real betrayal of the Jewish destiny.

- You in America always complain about Israeli golems and don't see the hump. The problem is that you're not settling! Diaspora Judaism is the one betraying its sexual destiny, not the Zionists. After we failed at sex with Germans, we need to have sex with slant-eyed people.

- What?

- Come on, expand your sexual perspective a bit, as the Zohar teaches us. The fact that there aren't enough Jews in China and Japan is the great failure of world Jewry in the last century. That's where we should have settled, mated, and culturally fertilized. You got stuck, where's the wandering Jew? It's time we reach Japan. The Japanese and Chinese and Koreans don't hate us. They don't know what antisemitism is, they even like Jews. And this shows that Jewish culture is betraying its destiny, which is to be hated all over the world. It shows we have no impact there. The goal of the people of Israel is to be like Joseph, who in the secret doctrine is the foundation organ, the divine phallus that penetrates the world, and all his brothers hate him because of his crazy dreams. But it's precisely these dreams that ultimately save them. That's the whole story. Those who don't want to dip his shirt in blood - it's a sign he's not wearing the striped coat. A million Jews in Japan and a million Jews in China - this should be the goal of Judaism in the next century. This is the dream for the next century instead of Zionism. And then there will be a cultural flourishing of true Jewish-Eastern culture.

- You know what they say about Asian men?

- Listen, from a sexo-historical perspective, the cheeky Jews need to mate with an orderly culture of the German type, like the phenomenal Jewish coupling with the German world before the Holocaust, but one that hasn't killed them yet. That's why Japan is the new Germany, the Germany of the future. The Japanese will turn Jewish creativity into methodology and implement things like the Germans, while the Chinese will already copy from the Japanese, and thus a million Jews in Japan will be the head of the world, or more precisely the shtreimel of the world, because Japan is the most eastern, but disconnected from the body of the world, and therefore it is the hat of Eurasia and the crown of the whole world.

- But the US is at the top of the world, we're the highest! That's why the Jews are here.

- No, no, that's a mistake in orientation. You're the lowest. After all, the fact that north is up on the map is a colonialist convention, established by the northern countries. According to the biblical map, the east is actually in front, which is why it's called kedem [meaning both "east" and "forward" in Hebrew], while the western sea is behind and therefore the Mediterranean is called the last sea. Right is teimana, south, while left is north, the sitra achra. Therefore, we need to start looking forward and progressing, beyond the Arabs, beyond the Iranians, beyond even India and the mountains of darkness, which is the farthest horizon that Israelis see, to reach the farthest east, the most forward, the highest - to the land of the rising sun. Well kitty, it was nice to spend the night with you, but it's time for the morning Shema. This is exactly the idea of the holy Zohar, which awaits us in the east at the end of the dark night of the Shechinah's exile. Because redemption, like sunrise, comes from kedem - from the place that is both the most advanced and the most ancient, both the most futuristic and the most traditional. And this is exactly the secret of Japan, which is the crown, the highest sefirah - and therefore to which we should make aliyah. And the Japanese, by the way, don't have sex (because they don't do "sex"), and that's what we need to connect to. The two most ancient-innovative cultures in the world, the Jews and the Japanese - against the whole world. Leave the stupid Americans already.