The First Ultra-Orthodox Chief of Staff

For 40 years you haven't learned that your main problem on the Palestinian front is non-lethal weapons? You must be more creative, because the competition with the Arabs isn't about who's stronger, but who's more imaginative. When myth fights myth, you need to employ literary imagination

Open the Book of Exodus and learn that the hornet is supposed to fight the inhabitants of the land for you (Source)

I dreamed that the Minister of Defense finally found a solution to both surprise everyone with the choice of Chief of Staff and fulfill the election promise to draft the ultra-Orthodox, and appoints me as the Chief of General Staff. And I descend at night to the pit [Translator's note: military command bunker] and the General Staff is in general shock, and the generals are flattering: "Honorable Rabbi General! Your uniform is black from so much death in the world of Torah, please let us wash them so we can see the khaki" or "Rabbi General, may you live long! Let me trim that wild hairy beret for you, it probably hasn't been shaved since you entered the induction center". And I ask: What do you study in the General Staff yeshiva? And the generals say: Study? In our yeshivas we don't study, there are problems in all sectors! In Gaza they're jumping on the fences, and we have no better idea than to shoot.

And I say: Really? For 40 years you haven't learned that your main problem on the Palestinian front is non-lethal weapons? That this has already entangled you in seven intifadas and international committees? Invest a billion dollars in this, divide all the soldiers into study pairs [Translator's note: 'chavruta', a traditional method of Talmudic study] and bring ideas, won't you find solutions? Where's the Jewish mind? Look, open the Book of Exodus and learn that the hornet is supposed to fight the inhabitants of the land for you. So please, throw hives of hornets from the air at anyone who approaches the fence, and let's see how many remain. "And I sent the hornet before you, which drove them out from before you... not with your sword, nor with your bow."

And the generals say: But what about the mass of protesters behind? And I say: Well, are we short on ideas? The first literary rule in the biblical story is measure for measure. Those who come from behind should be fought with the behind. So fill Hercules planes with feces from the sewage plant, and spray everyone from the air with pieces of excrement, and let's see how many will come next time for the IDF to defecate on them, and how many Western journalists will want to report when they're filled with crap. Turn the whole thing into a stinking mess. Operation Eisenkot - or in Hebrew: Iron Feces. You must be more creative, because the competition with the Arabs isn't about who's stronger, but who's more imaginative. When myth fights myth, you need to employ literary imagination. Where are your dreams?

And the generals say: We only have 6 hours of sleep according to General Staff orders, we're so busy. And I say: So that's the problem. How can you think like this? I'm giving you my first General Staff commandment. From today I'm changing the name of the IDF from Israel Defense Forces to Night Defense Forces. Let's reverse the entire doctrine. Come, bring me a graph of all the Zionist wars, from the most successful to the least. What's the simplest phenomenon you see? An inverse correlation between effort and result! The longer the war, the less successful it is, and the shorter it is, the better. So what do you learn from this?

And the Ground Forces commander jumps up: I know, that the IDF needs to prepare for longer wars! And the Soldiers' Complaints Commissioner bursts out: That we must invest in warehouses! And I get angry: The opposite! Your best wars lasted less than one night: Operation Entebbe, Operation Moked [Translator's note: the opening airstrike of the Six-Day War], bombing the reactors in Iraq and Syria. Therefore, from now on, the Night Defense Forces prepare only for wars that last one night. Can't conquer Gaza and it will take months? I want a plan on how to conquer it in one night, so they wake up in the morning and discover that the Strip has been conquered, and there won't even be a minyan [Translator's note: quorum of ten men required for Jewish prayer] of casualties. What do you learn from the huge difference between the Six-Day War and the Yom Kippur War?

And the head of Military Intelligence jumps up: The conception! And I say: Wrong! The big difference is that once we chose to surprise, and once they chose to surprise. That is, the crucial importance in the doctrine of war of the element of surprise - to be the side that initiates it with complete surprise. Therefore, all war plans from today are for a one-night war where everything is planned in detail for years, trained and prepared like clockwork, and then we pounce on the enemy by surprise without any warning. Destruction of Hezbollah in one night, including coming at night and killing Nasrallah in his bed, before the international system has time to blink. Destruction of Hamas in one night, conquering the Strip in one night and killing the Hamas leadership in their sleep, before they understand what hit them. We give them a plague of the firstborn every few years, and all the rest of the time we focus only on defense and don't get dragged in, until they get tired of it. How can one lament the loss of deterrence without ensuring the return of surprise? From today in the Night Defense Forces we fight while sleeping and dreaming, and defend while awake. This is the Torah, I tell you from years of personal experience. Only this way can you remain a jungle in a neighborhood of villas. The doctrine of warfare is the doctrine of dreaming.