When the Parasite Meets the Host

The problem is that you don't study Talmud, and therefore you didn't understand that you need to deceive the state. Where is your crooked, Jewish thinking?

A poster against the Pride Parade (Source)

I dreamed that I had a suggestion for homosexuals, that they should learn from the ultra-Orthodox how to solve their problems with the state. And I enter "Atraf" [Translator's note: a popular gay dating app in Israel] looking for a homosexual to tell him the idea. And there are all kinds of homosexuals there - Homo erectus, Homo australopithecus - and here I find a Homo sapiens who seems like I can talk to him about something other than sex. And he laughs at me: Hehe, what secularism couldn't do with evolution - we managed to do this time. We defeated religion. After all, what did your rabbi say - that God couldn't have created a homosexual. And here, there is a homosexual. That means there is no God!

And I write to him in the app: Apparently you really didn't learn reasoning in the Talmud. On the contrary, the opposite is more likely. The homosexual is the proof that there is a God! After all, if God didn't create a homosexual, and there is a homosexual - it means that the homosexual is a miracle. And he gets confused: Are you trying to tell me that God reveals himself in the homosexual? And I answer: Haven't you ever read the Torah? Who told you that the holy and awesome name of God isn't written on a piece of parchment taken from the cow's behind? The problem is that you don't study Talmud, and therefore you didn't understand that you need to deceive the state. Where is your crooked, Jewish thinking? What you need is to say that the surrogate is your partner, and that she can't get pregnant, and then the state will fund fertility treatments for you. And then say that you separated and from the child allowances that she doesn't raise, you'll pay her for the surrogacy in installments until the age of 18. And that's how you'll screw the State of Israel in reverse.

And he objects: It's a nice reasoning in the issue, but there's one thing you didn't take into account, and that's that a woman is not a cow that you can take her calf away after birth. What if she suddenly changes her mind and wants the baby, and then I'll have to pay her child support and suffer her craziness? And I get excited and resolve: Okay, let's make an assumption for the initial understanding! You need a married woman, and no one will be able to check if it's your sperm or her husband's that you bring for fertilization, and her husband won't agree for her to raise a child that's not his. And what's the most beautiful thing (because according to Jewish aesthetics, the crooked is beautiful, and therefore when you manage to twist to a complete reversal, it's the aesthetic peak)? That here the Halacha [Jewish law] comes to your aid, because she can't even change her mind at all because then you'll prove that the child is a bastard. And my study partner says: But then it means the child will really be a bastard! Isn't that a problem for you? And I'm delighted, almost as if I convinced him to put on tefillin: Well, that's exactly the beauty in the Torah! According to Halacha, a bastard is only someone who has been proven to be a bastard. What you need is to learn from me how to be a bastard - without anyone being able to prove you're a bastard.