Marriages in Animals

Internal Dialogue

I dreamed that I came home and told my wife I wanted her to be the man and me the woman. And she says she wants me to be the woman and her the man. And we start to argue and fight. And the child starts crying that he'll be the parents and we'll be the children. And I tell him: You're just like your mother. And both of them stop talking to me. And I try to tell them: I got a promotion, I moved up! And my wife says: It's not that you moved up, you stayed in place, and the heavens and all the systems came down. And the great Rebbe, the previous one, who had both feet on the ground - went underground. And the son tells me: We learned in cheder [Jewish elementary school], it's happening all over the world. God who was once above nature - in the religious era, and became nature - in the secular era, now has descended below nature - in the future era, the ultra-Orthodox era. And I shout shut up you're not supposed to talk like that, what did you do when I was at the Rebbe's wing. And I cover my ears, and both of them say: It's not us, it's the demon inside us. It's you.

The Faith of Unity

I dreamed that I was a Christian Muslim and I couldn't tell my wife because they would take my child away. And I think I'm the only Christian Muslim in the world, and one day I lean on a column in the yeshiva and it whispers: I'm a Christian Muslim too. And I'm startled: How did you know I'm a Christian Muslim? And I start to discover more and more Christian Muslims everywhere, Christian Muslim tables, cats, books... It turns out they have a temple, which starts from Mecca and reaches the Vatican, and precisely because it's so big and tall it's hard to discover, and only in the future will I understand where the Holy of Holies was, it could even be in your home. And it turns out there are many secret Christian Muslims living as crypto-Jews, and I start to identify them on the street, lots of girls, I wink at them and they run away, and then I know they are them. The city is full of them, and all the time you hear the muezzin and the bells together, in harmonies not of this world. And even inside our synagogue, among our neighbors, and the female neighbors, and I start to think that even my wife, all these years, she hid it, she thought she was the only Christian Muslim in the world. And I feel how we're getting closer, she too, she too suspects I'm a Christian Muslim, her lips are round like a crescent, and she purses them for a kiss like a cross, because she's dying to tell me and doesn't know how, how to open her mouth - so she keeps it closed to avoid temptation. And I take her for a romantic evening where I'll tell her, we're alone on the boat, and I show her the moon through a rifle sight with an X, and she smiles and licks her crescent-curved lips with her tongue and reveals cross-shaped grooves between her teeth, and I just imagine how my mouth will look deep into her mouth inside her, in a kiss, and she into my depths, into the blackness, and no one from outside will see what's happening between us inside. And I tell her I'm a Christian Muslim, and they take my child away.

The Supreme Scales

I dreamed that I want God to be only mine. And I set out to destroy religion so that God will be only mine. And I open a competing god, everything is cheaper, imitations of angels, and they say even God himself buys. And the righteous of this god serve the Lord even in paradise, around the clock, even in dreams, and all for minimum wage - the reward for a mitzvah is a mitzvah. And with the thrifty god, a husband who cheated on his wife returns in reincarnation as a woman whose husband cheats on her. And since heaven is outside of time, and for reasons of economy, they brought me back as my wife. And I'm actually married to myself. But I never cheated on my wife! And I realize that for reasons of economy, they already arranged in advance to marry me to myself, so that even if I don't sin, and vice versa, any pain I cause my wife, I automatically suffer as my wife, and vice versa. And I try to talk to her, maybe she understands after all, maybe she was once in the black world, who knows what would have happened to me if I had been born as a woman, what sock complexes. But nothing at all. Until one day I meet her by chance - inside the black world. And she doesn't recognize me, pretends. And I tear off her face, and suddenly everyone sees white. And they catch her, and take her away. That is, they catch me, in the next reincarnation, as a woman, and take me away. And I suddenly realize that it didn't occur to me, I didn't think at all, that also every good thing, that every love I would lavish on her - - and I give her a farewell kiss, to that unfortunate woman from the future, who is me.

Curiosity Killed the Circle

I dreamed that my wife says: You know what they say about you? You're a disgrace to the family. What will I tell my friends? As my mother used to say: A man is a dog, and no matter how much you love - he'll still remain a dog. And she decides to turn into a cat, and goes on a diet. And suddenly there's a girl in bed next to me, still quite young, still not dead. And I think what is this thing? How is it related to the dog, what does she want to happen between us? And she tells me: Just seeing you makes me sick, go on a diet immediately according to the method, such a great righteous man, a mouse the size of an elephant. Do you understand what kind of mutation could be born to us? Then you'll still ask if it's kosher and look for signs. So I buy a pig to eat my food. I sit at the table on Shabbat and it's under the table eating everything. And I come to sleep and see it sleeping in my place in bed with my wife, and she's hugging it, white flesh, how it's pink on the outside and white on the inside, and you're pink on the outside and black on the inside. Inside you there's darkness, and inside it there's light. And I grab the pig by the leash you think she wants you? She wants to eat let's run away. And the pig rolls after me and he asks how come you became black on the inside you also started like me, smooth flesh like a white page? So how is it that you filled up with so many signs, I want to peek inside, I've never seen black flesh. And he starts making eyes at me in all kinds of poses, exposing here, exposing there, you know I was in the army? You know I had a love? You know the secret of the child? And I tell him that I'm not willing to eat him, not even to throw up.
- Not even bungee for one second?
And he says: I'll find another way into you. And I reveal to him: The black project is a bottomless pit. The current new Rebbe is trying to put his hand in as deep as possible and reach all the way down to the ground at the bottom of the pit, and touch the black. But the previous Rebbe was wise - he knew there is no bottom, no end to the black. Therefore, one doesn't enter the hole in the first place.

The Future of Black Judaism

I dreamed that I murder my wife, want her by mistake, unintentionally. And I flee from the blood redeemer all over the world, to the farthest city of refuge - to a Jewish community in space. Because redemption is for blood spilled on the earth. And even the Jews already know not to put all their eggs in one basket, with all the Jewish blood spilled like water. And that star rotates s-l-o-w-l-y, and they pray the morning prayer once like in our seven weeks, and Shabbat is only once a year and lasts almost two months, and people celebrate only one New Year in their entire lives, and one Passover, etc., and once every seven generations there's a generation of sabbatical, when they don't work or water the land, and almost everyone dies.

And during that time all of Earth dries up, and there's no mikveh [ritual bath], because there's no rain, and the Jews become extinct. And even when they bring them a thin pipe, to stream water from space to the sky, they say it's vessels, drawn water. And women travel to distant stars to immerse, but don't manage to return. Because the distances are astronomical between women and men. And all life is slow and limited to the speed of light, because space is already a different kind of exile, much deeper and darker. Not just the exile of the Divine Presence, but disappearance. Because if the breaking of the vessels of destruction led to exile outside the land, after the Holocaust began gradually exile outside the solar system. The sparks scattered in infinite darkness, and continue only to move away and away at the speed of light - into the empty black space.

But everyone still thinks that the best girls and boys are on Earth, the best seminaries and yeshivas, the very best matches. That's where Judaism started after all, the source of the heart of the spring. The last connection to the ancient culture, even when the future is already light years away from it. And the son who grew up wakes up at night, and gets into our bed, because here my wife is next to me in space, and nothing has changed. It was just a mistake. An error. And the son cries, he thinks his fiancée sent him an email on Shabbat from Earth, because how did the light manage to arrive in the darkness, and he's just waiting and she's actually been secular for a long time and didn't tell him.

And he asks: Look at the time of the email from years ago, according to the astronomical intercalation, isn't that a time when there's Shabbat on Earth? And what will I tell the son about the daughter. And he asks if there's a way for me to access her email. But he doesn't allow me to access his email. You're just a child, what could possibly be there. Email? You haven't met for years. Why are you even waiting for her? She ran away from you long ago not just to another continent, not just to another planet, but to another world. What's even the meaning of secular in space? At least when we were in the land and God was in the heavens it was still relatively close, it was still possible to hear him (barely), and there was even a chance, compared to God in space. And precisely because of that he became blacker and more ultra-Orthodox than ever. Because if once he was hiding deep within matter, and there was still a chance for redemption in the world, now he's already hiding in the absolute void. And who knows if the girl sent the email by mistake, unintentionally, without any desire to hurt, and broke his heart. But she sent him the email years ago, and it only arrived now, so what's even the point of crying.

Because even when love dies, it's limited to the speed of light. And according to the theory of relativity, years can pass until the death of a love on Earth reaches space, and all that time the love in space is still alive. After all, the whole idea of light years is that in the truly distant darkness - years become distances, years of darkness. And I myself no longer believe how far I've moved away from the Rebbe into the dream. How far the speed of darkness can carry you, because I'm already years of darkness away from who I was, once, on Earth, with a Rebbe and a donkey and a black book, and a wife and a Shabbat table, and freedom will call to the son, with a daughter, and living waters and long emails, who remembers. And my wife is sad all the time, and won't say why. And I ask what did I do to you? And she just says: You don't love me. Maybe you loved me once, I don't know. And it's not clear if you ever loved. And I ask but what did I do to you? And she just says: You didn't do anything. And one night, after many years, my wife opens her heart to me, and I see a knife inside it.

A New Secret Doctrine

I dreamed that my wife is the man and I'm the woman, and I say okay maybe now we'll be happier. You lead, in black heels. And I prepare a sandwich for my husband and send him to yeshiva, and I follow him with my eyes and see that she suddenly turns in the opposite direction. What? He's not going to yeshiva! Just like her to ruin everything now. And I run after her, completely confused, going again to the people of the previous Rebbe? Where did she disappear to. We need a secret doctrine that women will engage in - and they'll already be even blacker than the men.

What Happened, What Needs to Happen, What Already Needs to Happen?

I dreamed that my wife falls in love with me again. Warm, pampering, caring for me like a child, really a child. And I don't understand I can't hold back from day to day I understand less and less what's happening and finally I ask her: What happened? And suddenly she's anger hating me hating doing the death of me simply murdering, day after day. And I don't understand what happened what did I even ask. And I think here I have a solution I'll ask once more what happened, everything will turn upside down and I'll never ask again what happened. But now she answers.

The Binding of Sarah

I dreamed that God tells me to cheat on my wife, your wife whom you loved with the woman I will show you. And I think, this is surely like the binding of Isaac, they want to do to me like with the child - with the wife, only I've already read the ending. Making fun of the story, winking at the donkey. But no angel saves me. And she's tied naked on the altar, and I beg her: Here take the ram instead of me. I can't do it, run home, don't stand up to the test. And God doesn't speak to me anymore. And Satan arrives home before me, and tells my wife about the test, but not in a dream summary but like a novel, at excessive length. And he doesn't finish telling the story, at the length of a book, a whole life, everything that happened - and she has already passed away.

The Wound

I dreamed that my sister-in-law, my wife's sister, is her identical twin. And each of them complains about her husband. And one day they say: Want to switch? Let's see you for one night with him. And the next day my wife doesn't want to switch back, blackmails her sister - I'll tell him. And so the terrible secret continues. Until the other one also doesn't want to switch back. And one day they meet and both complain: Want to switch? No one will know. And in the end even they don't remember who is who, and it's already become permissible. And one day I notice that my wife has a wound that heals and opens, opens and heals.

The Future of Sex

I dreamed that they invent a computer-woman and my friend suggests to me why don't you get one for yourself, it's not even against Jewish law. And I go and buy one with ultra-Orthodox kosher certification on a special track for the ultra-Orthodox. I open the wrapper that says in big letters "No concern of violating Rabbeinu Gershom's ban". And my wife keeps trying to short-circuit the second one, pours tea on her, coffee, tries to confuse her, gives her difficult computational tasks that consume all her memory, tortures her. Isn't one wife enough for me, now I need the computer to be a wife too? But they're already telling me she's pregnant, she has this indicator that says which month she's in. There's just one thing I don't understand. And I look at my wife. And my wife looks at me.

Preparations for Judgment Day

I dreamed that I see the Rebbe's missing student dead in a dream, and think: Maybe it's a sign from above. And they tell me: No, it's a sign from below. And I don't understand - a sign from below, trying to look, below what. And I dig through the early books for many days, and I understand that just as in space there's not only forward and backward, but also up - heaven - and down - hell, so too in time, not only forward and backward, but also up and down. And there's some time beneath this time, and time above it, and there's some entrance to the hell and heaven of time, some imperfect connection between the end and beginning of the year, through which one can enter the 13th month, Elul B. And these days before Rosh Hashanah, the days before the creation of man on the 1st of Tishrei, but after the creation of the world, on the 25th of Elul - these are the days of Selichot [penitential prayers]. And I meet there in sub-time, in the month that never was and never will be, S., because that's what could have been. And I no longer know if this is the place of mercy and forgiveness, or of preparations for Judgment Day. And I run run hurry in that paradise of time, not to miss this time like then, but as always I'm dreaming and not looking properly and fall there into a crack. And in time - there's nothing to stop you in time until the bottom, and now we'll see what I really deserve, after I didn't stop in time, or didn't arrive in time, or put the later before the earlier, or delayed the earlier, because there's no earlier or later in the Torah, and certainly not in a dream - but in life there is. And here I enter the lowest level of time's hell, because apparently I was a great sinner in time, and I try to peek through the door crack into the room, where surely terrible forbidden things are happening, who knows what forbidden sexual acts, and here I see there - my wife. And we're both afraid the other will ask what the other is doing here, so we start arguing about the bus. Since we got married all these years we never missed a bus. Always because of her we arrived endlessly early. It would be one thing if we missed one, but not one? Something's not right!

The Virginity Circle

I dreamed that the rabbi comes to my house and I say what are you doing and he tells me shame on you. And he searches my closets and I say what are you looking for and he tells me shame on you. And suddenly he pulls out a stuffed angel from the closet and I didn't know at all! My wife hid it, I don't use this thing, I don't even know what this thing is used for. It's something like ultra-Orthodox women. There's no such thing as ultra-Orthodox women. One can perhaps infer their existence from foreign publications, about the secret son born to the previous Rebbe - and hidden. Their role is to serve Torah scholars, to be fruitful and perhaps a few other purposes best left unspoken. It's forbidden to talk about them. When you reach your department in the Rebbe's organization they'll already tell you everything you need to know about them, and even then only at the advanced training stage. And he who understands will understand - and the enemy is listening.
It's my study partner, young Blood Frog, who says - and the rabbi passes by and we immediately hide under the Talmud. And I pretend I'm reading the answer to the issue from the book and say in a study tune: I'm less interested in whether there are or aren't ultra-Orthodox women, but what's in them, what they're hiding. Some secret teaching that's not even in books, like that of the Rebbe, like that which is inside a person - black.
- If it's not in books it's probably something uninteresting like that, like you need to kill another Arab, or you need to kill Arabs, or that "Western culture" is a matter of "be killed rather than transgress". It's always something like that.
- Want to bet?
- The matchmaking season is coming soon. Let's check.

The Matchmaking Algorithm

I dreamed that instead of looking for a wife I'm looking for a matchmaker. And I'm looking for an expert matchmaker for matchmakers to match me with the matchmaker who's right for me. And looking for an expert on experts to match me with the expert on matchmakers, and so on. And one night the expert arrives and says: The problem today in matchmaking is that you can't search for people, only by name. That's the problem. There's the Users Network, which is the female network, and the Sites Network, which is the male network, and both have mappings (faces) called people search and site search, but the network of connections between the networks is in darkness, it's a secret, it has no face. And that's privacy, that the connections between users and sites are unknown, what they're interested in. And therefore only if you map it will you be able to truly search for what interests you - the connections between the female and male networks, which are the mating of the networks, because mating - is always in secret. The mating of two faces is a kiss, and the mating between two networks is an interface. And with it you'll be able to find users by sites and sites by users, and there will be a true search engine for people, that is for men and women, not by name and externals but by essence and content and what interests them and the internals, that is what truly connects men and women. And we'll be able to search for the person who's exactly right for us, and we won't understand how we managed approximately with approximately, approximately approximately, in the darkness of the Middle Ages, when the network was separate, and people didn't yet have value, according to their height in the results. And that's how you'll be able to find the expert matchmaker you're looking for.

First Kiss

I dreamed that I reincarnate as a Jew whose soul root is the commandment of mezuzah [doorpost scroll]. And he constantly wants to be kissed, desperately wants, even old men's saliva, and stands in all sorts of corners and clings to passageways and doesn't understand why they don't kiss him, and only get angry that he's blocking the way. And suddenly a beautiful girl approaches, and he already assumes the typical pose, tilted to the side and waiting, a thought passes through his mind if he needs to hang himself, she approaches, her lips approach, and you can see she's terribly righteous, she'll surely kiss the mezuzah, and she asks: Would you please move? I want to kiss the mezuzah.

And He Shall Confess Upon the Head of the Goat

I dreamed that I'm chosen as the scapegoat for Yom Kippur [Day of Atonement], the black shtreimel [fur hat] of the family. And the priest ties a red string to my head, of infinite length, and you can track me everywhere. And the string has already gotten so tangled in all the places I've gone, that there's no way to untie it anymore. And it doesn't help me to hide the horns under the shtreimel, and I run through all the alleys like a child, and already approaching the abyss, because my home is the abyss, and therefore the abyss has a door. And here it is, right here. And she asks: Would you change anything about the past? Would you do anything differently?
- I understand what you mean.
What do I mean? She looks at me with trembling eyes. And I'm trembling too, and I say: There are things that must not be said. To hell with it.

S

I dreamed that I'm telling you we almost got married. And you're startled what you're married I'm married. And I say don't worry I just want you to know how things work. You remember, that night, when you were sick and I insisted we meet, and you said no, and I asked for five minutes, and you said no, I begged for half a minute, and you shouted no! And I said please and you shouted my name! And I gave up. That night I intended to propose to you, and afterwards it was too late. And you cry why why are you telling me this now. And I say it's important to know. How things roll. Maybe in the next incarnation.

Animal Cruelty

I dreamed that I'm single and they tell me this woman you will marry. And I say what? And they tell me tonight you will meet her. And I shower dress nicely nothing like a first impression, but actually I'll marry her anyway so I dress neglected and sweaty. And here she comes sees me and says: Shit! And I say what's that word are you secular? And she says: Well maybe you can talk to him, maybe he's a lovely person, but you know you're kidding yourself, and starts to cry. And I ask her: You know you also look very much like my wife I also wanted someone else. And I look at the restaurant and say: We've already ruined everything we can't start over. And she says answer me one thing please answer me honestly, no more. And I lean towards her, softening: What? -Tell me, are you a lovely person? And I look at her and smile: No. She bursts out laughing you're a lovely person, I knew you were funny and lovely, and I get angry at her: No! And she rolls on the floor: You're so funny I knew you were a lovely person. And I cry: No!! And she takes the leash and pulls me home, and every moment I stop and beg: I want to pee please give me privacy, and she says we're husband and wife, animal and wife, you'll pee at home. And I ask her: Are you sure at home? And I ask again: Are you sure you don't want to get to know me? And she says: Sure. I don't want to get to know you. I just want to marry you. I've already prepared a doghouse for you. And I tell her: I think our whole meeting got messed up, maybe we should start over from the beginning? I'll be single and they'll tell me this woman you will marry. And I say what?

Night Incident

I dreamed that there's a war of Gog and Magog at home. You don't talk to a single woman about a relationship, you don't mention rope at home, of hanging. How dare you talk to my girlfriend? I just wanted to propose to her. And the child looks at me, tears from milk. He will never marry. And suddenly I shout in the middle: It's all my fault. And everyone around looks, and I'm silent. And it's so so awkward. I know it is for her too. And I penetrate at night into the Book of Darkness, and there's a secret chapter: Why didn't the Messiah marry? And I try to quickly guess what the password is, but the guard is already waking up: Romance! They love daydreams, and are afraid of night dreams. He laughs, and suddenly a fear falls on me that my wife is looking at my computer, that she's just pretending to be asleep. And she enters my dreams. Every night. And the guard says: No time, the black is drawn to the light of the screen, to cover it with black letters. To write like a drill. And I come to squash a mosquito on the screen, and break it. Blood on black. And the screen turns off. And I suddenly see my figure reflected in the screen, in the black mirror. And Satan on the left lies next to my wife, and his eyes are open like a dead man staring at the screen. And he tries to sign a contract with me. In exchange for turning my dreams into reality. Because there's a severe prohibition against fulfilling dreams. In the black night doctrine, fulfilling a dream is idolatry, like making a statue - for the spirit. And Satan says: Good deal. A dream is one-sixtieth of prophecy. Sleep is one-sixtieth of death.

Until Her Dying Day

I dreamed that I'm in the time of the Temple, and there are pills to suppress the urge for idolatry, and they distribute them to anyone caught with a statue. And one night I wake up with a statue in bed, and I immediately cover it so they won't distribute to me, and my wife asks me what do you have there, she peeks into the room from the window and I don't understand what she's doing there, what, did I marry a giraffe? And I tell her it's the computer. And she asks why is it so round like that, I've never seen a round computer. And I say it's because it rolls to the study hall. And she asks why does it have such big ears, and I say to hear the sound of the shofar. And she looks at me, and I say it can even hear what's left of the blast from last year, it has special sensors to detect the Messiah's shofar two weeks in advance, that way we can invest in the stock market and enjoy the rises when the Messiah comes! And she asks why does it have such big eyes? And I say well, to see our righteous Messiah. And she asks but why is its nose so long? And I get angry and push her down and shout to stick it into matters that aren't its business. And she screams and I see oh no she was standing on a ladder, and I start running down the stairs to save her, but at every step a different neighbor stops me about the building committee taxes, about the pipe in the garden, charity for the widow, etc. etc. And I don't make it to the bottom.

Marriage in the Closet

I dreamed that my wife is a carcass. And I don't know where to hide her the stench. Vultures circle above the house, people wonder, but finally there's quiet inside, and they say: Domestic peace. And I realize it's not right not to bury her in a Jewish grave, and I give her a funeral from the kitchen to the living room to the bedroom to the kitchen to the living room until I get tired of it. And I dig in the tiles, and come to fold her inside, and I remember I didn't give a eulogy. And I don't know what to say. And the neighbors are already knocking on the door and I'm still thinking how can it be that I don't know what to say there must be something. They leave and I already know they'll be back, with reinforcements, and I'll have nothing to say. And I open my wife's mouth - and see a hole inside.

Eternity

I dreamed that my wife commits suicide. And as she always said, it's written on her gravestone: I told you so. And written on my gravestone: You're right.