S

The Iranian Option

I dreamed that I was living in the day after the bomb. And the land of Israel turns into hell on earth. Due to so many mutations, it's already impossible to find a minyan [quorum of 10 Jewish adults] of human beings. On the street walks a man with a tail, embracing a woman with a pig's nose, behind them is tied a dog with a human head, chasing after a cat that's chasing after its own mouse tail. And the entrance to the synagogue is blocked by too many beggars and unfortunates. One with a tail instead of a nose is looking for someone to make exchanges with, and he's wagging it above his mouth: if he has a nose instead of a tail, he must be suffering from the smell!
- And what would he do with a tail?
- So perhaps sir by chance doesn't like his nose?
And I grab my nose and run away. And from a hat on the floor comes out a rabbit's voice: I beg you, please don't throw coins. And I grab from behind the ears of a donkey peeking into the women's section, where the worshippers who don't know if they're male or female are, and this donkey kicks me and runs away. And the synagogue itself is teeming with a thousand delusional ideologies, different and strange. The rabbi took a list of "things I can't tell anyone" and hung it on the wall. Sitting next to me is a one-armed octopus, who lost his previous seven arms in hostile Kabbalistic activity and was injured in a "work accident". The rabbis managed to save only the theoretical minimum for laying tefillin - an arm and a head, and the Kabbalists imposed silence on him. So he cuts off his last arm, and writes with his blood, and it turns out it's black ink. But what's so important for him to write? And I peek and see that it's slogans, just slogans. No to a Halachic state - yes to a Kabbalistic state. The Halacha can barely manage a community, only the Kabbalah can manage a state. The people want "social justice"! (In gematria: Sabbatai Zevi). And I ask him: What happened to you? What happened to everyone with all these ideas? And he writes to me: The rabbis know but they're hiding it. But it can't be hidden anymore: The atomic bomb was not only a physical bomb, but also a spiritual bomb! And all the souls were affected. Such levels of radiation were measured that even Moses at Mount Sinai didn't absorb, that kill an angel within 5 minutes. Be careful, they're trying to hide it at all costs. They're afraid. Please, remember my case! And he finishes writing and he eats it, and it seems with great appetite.

And I return home, close the shutters, and my wife asks: If I die will you be sad? And I hug her from behind, and feel that my wife suddenly has no tail. What, did she have an illegal surgery? The rabbis strictly forbid it, this is how God created us, otherwise a dance of demons will begin, there are terrible curses and severe punishments. It's true they say they just want to preserve the status of human beings. But it's necessary, it's the foundation on which society is built. And the Halacha was forced to provide answers, it's developing in wonderful directions. Here, last Sukkot I didn't know how one could fulfill the obligation with the world's largest etrog, the size of my wife. And what about head covering for a woman with a cow's head - after all, a cow has hair on its nose too, not to mention the tail? And does a hand coming out of the head require tefillin? Is a rooster with a pig's tail kosher? It's not just a curiosity. It's already hard to find normal meat for Shabbat. And people who chew cud, have split hooves, and cleave the cleft flee in the streets for fear of being eaten. And there's the story about the childless couple who one day after countless treatments gave birth to a cow, and they simply weren't willing to accept it, she deserves the same treatment as any normal girl, and one day on the way to seminary she disappeared. And there are questions that threaten to break up countless marriages, and no solution is found, people are already afraid to talk about them. Does one whose wife turned into an animal violate "Whoever lies with a beast shall surely be put to death"?

And one morning in the shower I discover that I have a growth in my soul. And the growth can spread to the root of the soul, and from there to the root of the souls of the people of Israel, and from there metastases can already reach all the souls of Israel. And I know they won't take risks, that there's only one thing they'll do to me - excommunication. And what hurts me most is that I can't even tell my wife about my illness. My wife will turn me in to the authorities, and they'll give me "medicines". I know their "medicines". And I have no choice but to run away and forget.

And the growth spreads, and she with it. And I hear a rumor about her, some distant friend of a friend who saw her. And I know I'm not allowed to be interested, and I get a suspicious look, why are you talking too much with my wife, too interested. If they only knew that I'm disguising the one thing I'm interested in with a thousand other questions. And then one day I see her, by chance. Thoughts of two thousand years about this moment, what will I do, what will she say. And she smiles, hi. Hi. Well then bye. Bye. And she gives me one last look. And I try so hard to tear up, for her to see, to see! - and I can't manage to.

The World of Spite

I dreamed that I was in a dark room full of naked people. And we're running inside some kind of maze, while from above they're beating us with whips, and putting us into something, what is it? This strange structure is familiar to me from before, from some old video on the internet - a gas chamber! - and in all the incomprehensible chaos and screams in the pens they push the group in the darkness underground, I didn't know these chambers came with a basement, straight to paradise. And the angels there are crying, saying they need to prepare us for a serious shock, and tell us in the sorting at the entrance that there was a Holocaust - a spiritual one. They eliminated all the souls of the Jews - who didn't manage to enter and escape into the gas chambers. And you are actually the living ones. Yes, the Final Solution was actually the redemption - the Infinite Solution, this was the great divine plan at the end of the exile, the messianic surprise prepared for the last generation. "Hitler" in gematria equals "donkey", hence his doctrine, the doctrine of the white race. But all those who resisted and fled and didn't ascend to heaven were not redeemed. Only those who went, like you, like sheep to the slaughter to sanctify God's name, merited to arrive here to be Israel holy sheep and graze in paradise with the shepherd of Israel - the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. Come see what grass.

And I realize that God is secretly hiding half of the people of Israel from the other half - each half thinks all the others were eliminated. But why, why, what the hell does he want? And I know that I know now the secret, but it's a forbidden thought, I'm not allowed to think about it, and I'm constantly thinking that I'm not allowed to think about "the forbidden thought", that God in paradise won't discover that I know, he can discover everything I think, but if I constantly think about something else he won't be able to discover, forbidden, must, hide. Need to dress this thought in another thought, completely different. You went in your direction, and I in mine, but you know, in the end actually yes, actually it seems something did come out of us, albeit in a different direction, albeit in a dark direction, impossible, not that anyone knows, not that I can even tell my wife, not that you can understand, I've already distanced light years, also years of darkness, but somehow, in the end, strange, actually yes. Actually yes. A life of spite. There is life in spite.

And they call me at the entrance to paradise for interrogation. They think they're scaring me with these ancient tricks. The guardian angel, the policeman, himself looks like a criminal mafioso with wings, who are they kidding. And he leans over me: You know, the deepest secrets are not the secrets you know, or that you don't know. It's the secrets you don't know that you know. You know what I'm talking about? And I look him in the eyes, and answer with complete calmness: No. And he looks inside my mouth: Actually yes, actually yes. You want to spite God? And they give me a fruit in my hand and send me inside. And they say: It's tasty.

And I understand that we must rebel in paradise, we can't let this continue, we must get up there, talk to Abraham Isaac and Jacob or with the prophets, tell them what's really happening. But how do we reach them up there? And all those sitting in paradise are just vacationing and enjoying themselves and nothing interests them, they don't want to hear or know about "the other half", they don't care that these are their brothers, or even their wives, they're going out with white female angels who don't eat and don't get fat and only become younger day by day. And I notice that they too are becoming younger, suddenly they have youthful vigor, and the youths are happy to return to being children, and the children enjoy returning to being babies, and I think that soon nothing will be left of them. Everyone just loves to sit on knees, which surely brings them closer to the milky breasts of the white female angels. The oldest are now pre-bar mitzvah age, no longer obligated in commandments, and soon they too won't remain. And they constantly offer me fruits that I don't want to touch, and I look at all this childishness around, there must be something in these fruits that makes one young forever, maybe it's the tree of life that they're devouring endlessly from, and not tasting at all from the tree of knowledge? And there are many babies thrown on the floor, crying and screaming, wallowing in their own excrement and dying, and there's no one to take care of them, the female angels flew away long ago to play in the clouds, or perhaps to answer in the heavens. And I decide to raise as many as I can on pure flesh. But where is there flesh? And I let the fruits rot and feed them worms and maggots. And I run between baby and baby frantically, thousands of babies who if I don't feed will starve to death, and of course there are many mishaps and sometimes I accidentally step on babies' heads and crush them, there's no time, no time, this is the price, I'll save more this way. And I teach them with a severe biblical prohibition not to eat from the fruits, only from the crawling things. And this dream army of mine crawls and grows and grows, towards a reconquest of the heavens by flesh, to spite God. A life of spite. And I think of her, and I think that actually yes. Actually yes.

Absolute Honesty

I dreamed that my job was tree investigator. I come to a tree, and start hitting it with an axe: You think I'm the bad investigator? I'm the good investigator. Start talking now, or I'll call the doctor. And then they called me. Transferring the amount. It took you a long time. Yes, there's a problem. I don't have an account, cash only. And they gave me some address in the forbidden city. Tel Aviv. I said I'm in a wheelchair, a messenger will come to take the amount. And I dressed completely in black, stocking mask, sunglasses. And I entered. The doctor was sitting there. Completely white. I whispered to her you know, you don't know but you were next in line. Your mistake was a combination of disloyalty and loyalty. You're seven times better than her, but you lack the foundation. Funny to think that you're the great miss of my life, and I of yours. And how close it was! I'm sure you smelled something, then. Such fates aren't cut without feeling something. I take out the axe, and continue: If only I had held on for another month, or if you had held on for less than a month. There are girls who want too much. You're surely surprised that I'm talking to you with absolute honesty, without thought, despite the enormous danger, despite not knowing you at all. You understand, I'm married, what I need is someone to talk to with absolute honesty. Once every two weeks, in a public place. Only absolute honesty from both sides, and no more. What do you say?

Fake Email Address

I dreamed that there are rumors that Moses is returning, the whole country, waves of rumors, and there's already a date, no one knows from where, but everyone says that this is the date, and all the greatest rabbis come and wait, and he comes down from the mountain, the real Moses, not that fake one who needed a mask, and he comes down with golden tablets and shouts: These are your gods, O Israel! Commit adultery! Murder! Covet! Cries of anguish, shouts from the crowd: No! Nooo! Everything was a lie -

S. You don't know me and I don't know you, and I will never know you. The connection between us will be conducted thus and only thus. I send you materials and you write me what you think. If you choose at any stage not to answer - the connection is severed. I am not a harasser. If you try in any way to find out who I am - the connection is severed.

I Am Who I Am

I dreamed that I say to myself: I'll reveal a secret to you. It's like praying. I search for her online three times a day, for years, and never find her. Maybe she got married, and changed her last name... And then - one day she becomes secular. And suddenly it's easy to locate her online - an intelligence breakthrough. And I see a picture of her with her husband in the background. Nothing bad happened to her. Cute daughters. Still the best friend. Happy. Is there no justice in the world? I can't, I don't believe it, I want to hack into God. But I don't understand this, where do you even start? I must be a user, a righteous person, in order to have any access and be able to start guessing names and passwords. And I bet that of all these old righteous men, who can barely press letters, there are some whose password is criminal negligence, and I even have a few candidates. But where do you even enter? We must plant malicious code somewhere, introduce some contradiction that no one thought of. And I wrap myself in a prayer shawl, hide in a shtreimel [fur hat worn by some Hasidic Jews], and pray that this prayer won't be accepted. Bless that this blessing won't be fulfilled. And God starts to heat up, the angels fan faster and faster with their wings, roaring, and God gets stuck, enters an infinite loop. I am I am I am I am... And he demands all the system resources, in another moment the world will disappear, the server is crashing. And suddenly his process kills itself. God committed suicide! And I look at the system logs and see that he's gone. So how am I still here? The only possibility is, it turns out that God is not the server, he too is just a user! Maybe a super user with God permissions, who writes the system code from within, but still another user. And I search for where he hid the angel of death, he must be somewhere. And I discover that Satan is encrypted infinitely many times. Encrypted within encrypted. An endless secret. Not only the light, but also the darkness is infinite. And even if I use all the system resources - I will never be able to open it infinitely many times. But there must be a way, if I just find the right place in memory, where it's written if she's alive or dead. It's enough to change one bit from zero to one to make her non-existent. To kill the only woman you ever loved.

Shofar Blower

I dreamed that my wife complains, you're never interested, never pay attention. So I ask her: How are you? - Tekiah! Shevarim! Teruah! Well, that's the reason I don't pay attention. Before bed I come to hug her from behind, and she: Tekiah! Shevarim! Teruah! And so with everything. Tekiah! Shevarim! Teruah! So I took shofars and blew them in her ears, and I try to pull her and take them out, they're stuck. Actually suits her. Looks like a ram, or because she's female, is she actually a doe? And this animal lives in my house, eats the oregano and the potted plants, sleeps next to me in bed. And I don't know what to do - to come upon an animal? On one hand it's forbidden, she's a beast, on the other hand it's allowed, she's my wife, and it's an obligation, a mitzvah. And I remember the words of the sages about the narrow womb of the doe, which is as beloved to her mate as the first time. And I think, I must, at least to screw the Nazis, make children, not love. And I can't and I marry another woman, and tie this ram in the yard. And the new wife says: Tell him. He's always looking at me. He has evil eyes.
- Tell him? What do you want me to do to him?
And she pesters me. And I see that his horns got tangled in the thicket, and I take him to Mount Moriah. And we talk on the way, words of Torah, when they say that the altar cries over his first wife, which altar is it? Gold, copper? That can cause rust. Earth altar? Mud. Even if it's a stone altar - eventually the water will erode it, think about all the generations, all the tears. And I try to pretend I'm coming with the knife, so the angel will come and stop me, but he doesn't come. And I build another altar, to trick the angel, because he surely reads minds, this time it's for real, that I myself will think it's for real, and he'll tell me no, and I raise the knife, this time, really, I'm serious! And - nothing. The angel surely sees into the heart, I need to truly intend to kill her, and only then stop myself at the last moment (and again a whole show, new altar) and then raise my hand - and I see this time out of the corner of my eye that here the angel is coming, and here I lower my hand but the angel instead of stopping pushes my hand and oh the knife goes in, but instead of kosher slaughter, a cut in the neck artery, and a massive long spurt of blood sprays and fills me, and the angel calls in a chant: Tekiah! And then another spurt, and another, and another, and the angel intones: Shevarim! And she has a little blood left, but the doe is terribly stressed, her heart is beating like crazy, foolish, she must stay calm she doesn't understand. And the remnant of blood is sprayed in small spurts one after another after another, and the angel sings melodiously: Teruah! And then the blood pours out. Without force and without momentum but also without end. More and more more. Flowing over the altar, over the mountain, over the land. Covering the whole country. The whole earth. And the angel proclaims: Tekiah Gedolah. And he blows in my ear and sings: Next year in Jerusalem.

The Secret Torah

I dreamed that I hear booms in the kitchen, and I wake up and see my wife dancing like she never danced with me. She loses control of her left leg, tries tries to hold on and boom crashes into the fridge, and she doesn't give up, doesn't understand what's wrong, and this time her right leg doesn't hold, she tries tries to stand, and boom crashes into the sink. And so on, and I can't catch her. Her head is tilted oddly to the side, constantly looking and searching to the side even though there's nothing there, listening there as if someone should come. Someone who isn't me. And I search in the Talmud what this strange behavior is, or maybe somewhere in the commentaries I can find what the law is in such a special case, what to do. And if it's actually a spiritual illness - where will I find a kabbalist who receives now in the middle of the night. And if it's a modern case of an ancient spiritual illness, like computer leprosy, maybe I actually need to call a priest? And I delve into the books, and finally she calms down completely, sprawls on the bed as if asleep, only her eyes jump to the sides. That is, they are completely closed, and she knows nothing - but inside they move as if in a dream. And I try to decipher according to the movements what she's dreaming, now it's clear she's going out the door, turns right, left, and suddenly I understand that in the dream she's going to the house upstairs that no one knows who lives there. A meeting that no one knows about. Who could it be with? What are they doing there, what is she dreaming about, what is her secret? And morning arrives, finally we can go with her to the health clinic, but I tell myself: Look her condition has improved, she's calmed down, I didn't sleep all night, I'll sleep just 5 minutes and take her. And I fall asleep. And I dream that I'm waiting for her in the scary house upstairs, a secret meeting, scandalous, where I'll be able to discover the secret, but she doesn't come and doesn't come. Maybe I was mistaken about the meeting place? What is she waiting for, why doesn't she come. And suddenly I wake up - and see that it's 5 PM. And this time her eyes are completely open.

My Last Way

I dreamed that we're about to leave the house, my wife is already outside and I'm turning off all the lights and suddenly in the darkness you see a small red light on me, that couldn't be seen before, a red dot on my head, someone is aiming a red laser at me, of assassins! And by instinct I retreat to an inner room and see how the laser searches for me and disappears. And I think that now everything will disappear, no one in the world knows the password to the computer, and my wife least of all. And the idea of giving my wife the password chills me, they'll surely come now to search for me in the house, she left the door open. And I deliberately leave the door open and run upstairs in the stairwell, even though there's nowhere to escape from there, because that's exactly the kind of thing that can save you, precisely a stupid idea. Someone who tries to escape outside or hide in a clever place is completely predictable, and he gets caught and eliminated. But precisely such a deviation. It's enough that you go up a bit and sit quietly, a bit of luck, they go up to the apartment and don't find you and run outside to search for you, and you live. But who would even want to kill me? Could it really be because of that? It must be that, after all I knew, I knew I'd get cancer or something, the angel of death doesn't forgive, God isn't a sucker. What stupidity it was to put everything on the computer, I should have, I should have, but now it's too late. Nothing will remain, nothing. And I decide to run outside anyway. And outside my wife is furious: How long have I been waiting, my parents are waiting, everyone is waiting, again embarrassing me, again you forgot yourself at the computer, right? What an idiot I married. And I'm constantly jumping and dancing and circling around her on the way to the bus, so they won't be able to aim the laser at me, and my wife cries: What an idiot I married.

Dream Operating System

I dreamed that I'm warning you, we talked about it on the bus. I apologize my husband. We actually want to hear. Look how I'll answer you, ask me a question in Rabbenu Tam. Where did all the bottles disappear from the table. It's not okay that you're taking me by the hand, you don't know how I behave nicely. Aren't you ashamed to embarrass me in front of the whole family? You're giving me a commitment tonight. Tonight you hear tonight. Tonight. Tonight.

The Festival of Giving a Cow

I dreamed that I fought with her parents because she fought with my parents, and now we've eaten it and will be forced to have the holiday meal alone together. And my wife is shocked: What are you doing on the table? A table is an altar.
- Can you please put down the knife?
- Are you going to ruin my holiday table?
- Come up here if you want to talk to me. Don't you see I'm busy in the middle of a complicated surgery, that you don't understand at all? Stop making a salad out of everything.
And she turns red like a tomato: What are you an animal! Only animals eat on the table, humans sit underneath.
- My dear, you have a problem managing anger.
- My dear, as if it's an urgent life-saving surgery. Oh what luck I have, I married a doctor. Whoever saves one life in Israel... Disgusting. Always doing autopsies on me, a pathological case - and here she rises to high tones again, you can't understand her anymore - animal, body, corpse, carcass.
- Be careful not to strain your throat.
And she doesn't answer, and I breathe a sigh of relief. Finally a thin silence. If I can just. Move just this vein. Gently, very gently... She gets up from the table, and starts to flip it so I'll fall! And I hold onto the holiday tablecloth with my nails: Look at yourself who's the animal here? You're disrupting the whole investigation, in the end as always they'll say the cause of death - kosher slaughter. And I'm telling you - this cow was murdered, muuurdered. And you're eating my evidence. And now, ahem, please. What I'm looking for is tiny tiny tiny...
- You're sick, what you really need is a veterinarian. I know what you're looking for. Those thin pieces of yours, just skin and bones. That you strip with your dirty hands, just looking? That thin beast of yours, you think she'll swallow the fat beast? In your dreams.
And I look at her from above, and from this angle it seems you can even see cleavage, with all the modesty, it's a bit difficult with her enormous breasts, that can't be hidden in any dress, and I think they're the real reason I married her. I simply couldn't imagine dying without knowing what it's like to touch such circles. And she catches me looking, not in the eyes, she knows how they drive me crazy, and mocks me flushed, imitating who she calls the "thin beast": Come come to your overgrown baby, the little one wants a cow from milk, not from meat...
- What are you mixing meat with milk, milk with meat!
Just the thought makes me vomit. And I can't hold back anymore. Everything that accumulated and accumulated in my stomach rises from the belly, in a frenzy, massive waves, and comes out more and more and more and I try to shout while "cause of death" vomit! "Poisoning" vomit! "My wife" vomit! "Beloved" vomit! "Love" vomit! And it comes out and comes out and there's no control. And it doesn't stop speaking from within me, this time the war is not Yom Kippur, but the opposite holiday, Bikkurim [First Fruits]. And the sound of the siren grows stronger and stronger, and you can already see the voices on TV, and the explosions, and they report on a heavy gas cloud. But every cloud is made of gas, no? No, of water. And in one moment we forget all our troubles, and go down to the shelter. And they report that this time the giving of the Torah will be inside the earth. Instead of a mountain there's a huge crater, and the tablets will probably be at the bottom of the pit. Who will go down there for us? And they choose my wife! It turns out she's the most righteous in the people of Israel. Not because of her deeds, it's not that she's special in herself, but only because of me, that she suffered from me more than any other woman. And they brief her: At the bottom of the atomic shelter there's a button, and the more important you are the deeper in the earth: above the common people, below the doctors and professionals, below only the geniuses of the future and those with connections, and below, below... And the secrets of the state are buried deepest, and you need to pass the ministers, and the lowest lowest shelter of the prime minister, from there the concrete they dug stops, just a cave that goes down to the bottom. We're waiting for you to come back. And she doesn't come back. And everyone waits and waits, but I already know she won't come back. And what I regret most is that I didn't tell her I love her before she went. Such a small thing I wasn't capable of? And I tell them: My wife was made of gold. Let's make a woman of gold. And I tell them bring, bring more gold, my wife was fatter, don't be stingy, put more here in the belly, and here too. Don't beautify. I want her exactly as she was in reality. Just made of gold.

God's Shit

I dreamed that God took a shit. And his shit is apparently worth more than others' gold, because many climb the mountain of dung, willing to take the risk of drowning inside, or suffocating from the stench, or having it fall on them from the sky and bury them alive, which happens sooner or later. And indeed there's already a place that whoever climbed above it didn't return. And I join a climbing expedition, with special equipment for surviving in shit, everyone covered like black astronauts from head to toe, and even our donkeys wear huge NBC masks, and look like a herd of monsters. But it's impossible without breathing at all, and many of the climbers faint from the heavy cloud of stench, you can't see a meter ahead, and more and more precious manpower is wasted carrying them down, until it's already dangerous to continue with so few. And suddenly a huge brown mountain falls from the sky - - everything is torn and swirled, and I fly and roll for kilometers, don't see anyone else anymore: did everyone die? Or did I get lost? And I walk alone in the enormous mountains of feces, a new and wild world where no human foot has trodden. And you can see inside the earth many animal bones, it's from the period when God used to eat sacrifices, and then there's a dry layer of two thousand years, and again thousands of bones, and I'm shocked to discover that these are human bones. And above a newer layer, soft, sinking, and suddenly I see gold in the shit, real gold - it's a ring - my wife's wedding ring.

How did it get here? It's not possible that my wife was involved in human sacrifices. But it's also not possible that she took off the ring! And here beyond the bend there's a green flourishing village, greener than green, apparently this is the best fertilizer for growth, and I think that if you're a creature without a nose or sense of smell this must really be paradise. Except there are black flies, the size of vultures, that chase after me. And I flee for my life through all the alleys, and the strange people in the village shout: Don't be afraid of them, all the flies are only flying around one house, go see! And inside I see that it's like a trap, and they're all drawn to it like to shit, with actual sexual desire. And I slip on the shit and fall inside, like the mouth of the biggest toilet in the world, and inside thousands upon thousands of wingless flies, sitting in circles and listening, buzzzz. And in the center sits like some holy virgin, in a new white wedding dress, in a voluptuous cut with magnificent curves, the queen of flies, buzzing commands to them, and I turn around and see that it's - my wife. And I look deep deep into her green eyes, deeper than I ever looked before, or even thought was there, maybe for the first time in my life I'm really looking into her eyes. And I say to her: I love you.