The Fox I dreamed that I'm a man and I'm pregnant and I don't know how to hide it. I stop going to work, and sit all day under the blanket with the computer on top of me so my wife won't see, and I eat and eat and she complains that I'm growing a belly, swearing I look like a pregnant woman. One night it starts to come out, but since it has nowhere to exit it digs and tears inside me and I feel the bleeding inside it's the size of a watermelon, and I'm afraid it will castrate me, so I take the Japanese knife and cut in a C-section, and it jumps out onto the keyboard, and starts writhing and nonsense appears on the screen, and maybe it's a language I can't decipher? And my wife wakes up and I say they left us this wrinkled and bleeding cat by the door and I gave it milk but I don't want to touch it so it's on the computer. And she starts yelling that it's a baby and we call the police, but there's no missing baby, but my wife also doesn't want to touch this creature, so it grows on the computer, and occasionally we pour milk on the screen and it licks it and gurgles. My wife says it's like a duck that thinks the computer is its mother, and I say who knows what happened 9 months ago. And it really loves the white of the screen, and in the dark I think it's like reading the Zohar [Translator's note: Jewish mystical text]. And it's so smart it knows how to type with its feet. And I tell my wife this child is so smart but so lonely we must bring it a pet, if we bring it a dog it will eat it, if we bring a cat it will drink its milk, let's bring it something in between something smart let's bring it a fox. And the fox is more stupid than smart, all day feeding it grapes, and the child steps on the keyboard and everything ferments from the bacteria from the filth and together they get drunk from the wine, no longer want milk. As a joke we would call this cute pair Cain and Abel. And one day the fox grows up, nothing to be done, it's reached the age when it needs to be made into a shtreimel [Translator's note: fur hat worn by some Hasidic Jews]. And the baby screams screams murderer murderer where are you taking my brother? And we say his brother is already grown up, and he's going to fox heaven. And the baby cries I want to go to heaven too. I want to go to the garden too. And he cries at night my brother where are you, and we don't have the heart to tell him. We say he'll be back soon, surely the child will forget. And indeed the child forgets. And one night I see the baby searching the internet for heaven. And immediately I slap him, one more time and it will be the end of you. And in the morning the baby is gone. And I see on the screen a Wikipedia entry: Shtreimel. In Hebrew: tail-taker. Years pass, and we hear about one big black ultra-Orthodox Jew who starts to take over the world. And they say he's so black, that no one has seen him, except for the edge of the shtreimel. And he's terribly smart, and it seems to everyone that this time it's it, and he really will take over the whole world. And he goes from country to country, and approaches the land. And this ultra-Orthodox decreed to kill all the foxes. And the price of shtreimels skyrockets. And everyone asks why, what does he want. And they say he wants to make a giant shtreimel for the whole Earth, that will melt the pole and turn Ashkenaz [Translator's note: Europe] into a hot and suffocating place like Africa, but completely dark and black. And others say it's just a mystical symbol, that space surrounds the world, and he actually wants to put a shtreimel on the Dome of the Rock or turn Mecca into a black circle. And others say he puts a shtreimel instead of a crown, on the Torah scroll, and he has thousands of missiles whose heads are covered with shtreimels. And others say he wants to cover every hilltop and every leafy tree with a shtreimel, and they discover in a frightening secret that when Moses went up Mount Sinai at the top of the mountain he saw - a shtreimel. And others say they put small shtreimels on the eyes and see only black, and others say it's for the Jewish nose, and there are women who cover themselves with shtreimels in private places, and others chase away pigeons and cover the eggs with small shtreimels, and eagles snatch shtreimels from bald heads to nest in them, and for children they make crowns for teeth over cavities, and even the security forces have shtreimels on the sirens that flash with black light, and he has an army of race cars with tires made of shtreimels that drive quietly on Shabbat, and meanwhile the foxes are becoming extinct and murdered en masse. And then the ultra-Orthodox arrives in the country, and a giant room-sized shtreimel descends from the plane, reaching down to the floor and sweeping it, and starts to walk around. And they decide to remove his shtreimel, and there's another shtreimel underneath, and they remove that one too, and there's another shtreimel underneath, and so on like Russian nesting dolls, until they remove the last one, tiny tiny, and inside there's nothing. One night my wife goes down to the river and finds a crying fox cub floating inside a shtreimel, and reaches out her hand to it and it bites her. And afterwards she lies in bed, and starts to growl, and bark, and bites the hand that feeds her, and she swells up a lot, especially in the belly, and I put a shtreimel up there on top of her head, so that when the bastard comes out he won't be a moment without a shtreimel, but when he comes out she apparently is horrified by what she sees, because she shoves his whole head into the shtreimel and chokes the baby, and pushes her own face deep inside with all her strength and commits suicide in the shtreimel. And I think how is it that I'm not sad, am I so cruel? Why wasn't I attracted to her? Could it be that I missed something? Why was I never able to love her? And now I'm a widower, wearing black, and I go outside and am shocked to see a very attractive girl, with a shtreimel! And she winks at me, and I approach and see that she has a shtreimel instead of a head, and I start chasing and chasing after her, to her bed, and she holds a Japanese knife and says her shtreimel is made from men's tails, and I say I'm not a mouse, and she puts me inside her into her shtreimel and it envelops me in black from all directions and I'm warm and comfortable and she whispers that this is death.
Doesn't that tempt you even a little? I dreamed that I'm trying to fix the sin of the first snake. After all, everyone is trying to fix the sin of the first man, and indeed we see progress with the curses: with air conditioning we no longer sweat, and with all the robots and ultra-Orthodox, in the end who will work? And there's also epidural, and anyway in the end all babies will be born by C-section. Every child a Caesar. And regarding who rules over whom I'll leave that to my wife. But only with the snake's legs there's no progress. And I bring a snake home, to show that a woman gets along just fine with a snake in the house. And my wife shouts: Snake! And I say: Say hello to the snake. And my wife says: This instant you take your legs and leave.
And suddenly I have an overwhelming desire to be Muslim. And I can barely stop myself from immediately falling to the ground towards Mecca, I have so little strength. And I start running fast to the Arab village before it passes, the mosque across the valley stands before my eyes, but I'm afraid they'll kill me before I can make it, and actually, it's better if I stay here and can immediately carry out an attack, a much more meaningful attack than what they can do from there, because I know the culture from the inside. Killing a person is meaningless. But I can carry out a cultural attack, a spiritual attack, terrorism on a higher level.
Before and Within I dreamed that one night in the future my wife whispers angrily at me - when the children we're destined to have are outside, so they won't hear - that I'm simply not human. And if she had known who I am - she wouldn't have had children with me. And I suddenly look back and see that the door is slightly open. And the next day they inform us that our oldest son, who is already bar mitzvah age, hanged himself with his tefillin [Translator's note: phylacteries] at boarding school. And then something starts to stink from inside the ark, and they discover that the second son is inside a Torah scroll, rolled the scroll around himself like a carpet and suffocated inside it, and with his last strength walked with his little feet, which were outside the scroll, and locked himself in the ark. And the next child drowned himself in a ritual hand-washing cup, we came to wash our hands in the morning and saw that he was sleeping with his head inside the cup. And the little child swallowed the mezuzah [Translator's note: parchment scroll affixed to doorposts] when he kissed it, and choked. And so on. Only the baby is left, who can't do anything, and I stop sleeping in order to watch over him so he doesn't try crib death. And to my horror I discover that he's already learning to grab with his hands, and tries to hang himself with the mobile, so we'll wake up in the morning and see him spinning above the crib, and he constantly tries to turn off the device that alerts for stopped breathing during sleep. And I have a suspicion, something illogical. I ask my wife to whisper about me again, and she doesn't want to, and I try very hard to annoy her and she refuses to get angrier, refuses to yell anymore, even in a whisper. And finally I hear her whispering something about me to the baby, far behind my back. And I go out of the house - I knew it! The ability to hear what she's whispering deep inside there is not human. I'm simply not human.
The Last Man I dreamed that I'm writing and writing and the laptop starts to not digest what I'm writing, opens and closes opens and closes and tries to bite my hand and I barely escape with it, it wants to eat me? But then it increases speed and from opening and closing so much it starts to fly around the room, and I open the window and send it outside - and it doesn't come back. And I tell my wife take the children - at that time we already have lots of them - we're getting out of the box. And I see that the house is on top of a high mountain, and I tell myself that not seeing any sign of civilization doesn't mean there was a flood, because maybe we're just high above everyone. And we go down and see to the horizon a sea of bags and remnants, all the computers and devices drowned, and only the screens of old televisions continue to float, full of emptiness, between spare tires. The cars themselves sank long ago. And I don't know what to do, how to make humanity survive, marry off the daughter and sons? And I already see my wife looking at the oldest son and I look at my daughter and it frightens me. And I tell my wife that from a genetic-clinical perspective it's better if only the children marry each other, but she argues that all combinations are preferable and we don't have the luxury of losing unnecessary genes for the new species. And I say on the contrary, if we don't maintain mi-ni-mal morality, and she begs: my husband, listen to me, my man, minimal? You want to marry your children to each other? You have no idea how many genetic diseases and terrible mutations, how many will die on us, what a generation of monsters will grow here, why even continue humanity such disgust. And everyone is embarrassed by each other, the whole family falls apart, and only one small son, the idiot who doesn't understand anything, still smiles. And I'm afraid to sleep, whole days without sleep, because I don't know what will happen at night. And finally the little one comes to me smiling: I'll take care of you, go snore - and I'll watch over you from behind. You can dream peacefully, Dad, go to sleep. You are the last man.
Children's Stories I dreamed that my wife comes to me every night in bed and asks: What will we live on? What do you make a living from? What are you doing - all the time on the computer? What are you writing? What will happen when our children grow up and they understand who you are? And I think about the password. The day you truly know me - is the day I die.
It All Starts at Home I dreamed that I'm old, and I grow in the yard, and I have children in the house. And my children in the house are great sinners. Great great sinners. And everyone says they are truly great great sinners. And all the girls go crazy for them, just to know what great great means, because what could it be? What can one possibly do? And even the religious girls, because they say look how I'll bring these great great ones back to religion. And then I see one hen who is a terribly righteous rebbetzin [Translator's note: rabbi's wife] enter the house. And I'm embarrassed. Poor her husband. And she does what she does with them there, and within a minute she comes out all red. And within a minute they come out shouting that they're returning to religion. And want to make me into a sin offering. And ask what kind of offering can be made from him? And answer a bird offering. And then when they turn me over they discover I have a blemish. So they take me to the Temple, to the High Priest. And the Temple is one big field. The size of several fields, until you can't see where it ends. And I'm curious what they play there. Because always from the Western Wall below you couldn't see it was a field. And then suddenly I make a dash and start to run away, and everyone chases after me trying to catch me, and I cross the threshold of the Holy of Holies and they can't enter and just shout outside that they'll take revenge on me, that I'll remember. And I go inside. And see there on a large tray that God is just a big black rubber ball, that grew in darkness. This is what they're trying to hide? Who's responsible for it growing like this? Who hid this? And then I feel that I understand what could be the meaning of great great sinners.
Pharaoh decreed against the males and you decree against the females I dreamed that one of the wars of the Name begins, because they don't know which name, and even if it's the name of boys or if it's the name of girls. And they send me to the black army - for the war of liberation. And I remember all the stories in Hasidism that Napoleon disguised himself as a simple soldier, and I decide that if I'm a simple soldier - to disguise myself as Napoleon. What should God's strategy be? And I review the army of the Name, and go through all the units to know what kind of war can be waged with such an army, who could possibly be the enemy. And at the entrance to the camp of the Children of Israel I find a page with a seating arrangement, like in the synagogue. Butchers' Union: the vanguard of man in his struggle against beast, Cantors' Union: the vanguard of man in his struggle against angels, Rabbis' Union: the vanguard of man in his struggle against books, Nannies' Union: the vanguard of man in his struggle against babies, Gravediggers' Union: the vanguard of man in his struggle against the elderly, Midwives' Union: the vanguard of man in his struggle against Pharaoh. Against Pharaoh?! Isn't it time for some modernization? I'll lead this unit forward! And I see that they take all the boys who are born and turn them into girls. And I rummage through the secret cabinets of the hospital, and I find among all the documents white uniforms - what are white uniforms doing in the middle of a black army? And I tear the word Pharaoh from the nurse's chest and see written there: the vanguard of man in his struggle against men. What is this? They will destroy the entire human race. There will be no more matches. And I disguise myself as a midwife, and go to the other side of the hospital, that no one is interested in - and turn all the girls who are born into boys.
Family Planning I dreamed that my wife dreamed that she got off the bus and forgot the baby inside the bus. And she runs and runs after the driver who says there's no baby on the bus. And it turns out that I took the baby girl - it's a girl! - and am teaching her bad things. Put a black kippah on her and try to turn her into a boy. And she fills with fear: You won't do that to our daughter, right? And I hug her: If we have a daughter it's the best thing for her, that she'll be a boy! And at first I think that fathers need to invest in daughters more than sons, so we don't grow another such generation. But one day the girl who has already grown smiles at me, and I notice with horror that the girl is turning out similar to her mother, that she's like her. All the investment went down the drain. What did you think to yourself, that you could defeat this? We'll educate our daughters differently, yes, really? They will educate us differently. And meanwhile my wife has already taught my son to call her Dad.
And I understand that even the boys are already a lost generation, how will the Messiah come? This is a generation that has a very serious problem with matches, which can stem from only one source: a deep corruption in the supreme unity. The Holy One Blessed Be He and the Shekhinah [Translator's note: divine presence] are not compatible. She's not really a woman anymore and he's not really a man anymore either. The connection between them doesn't work, and therefore, as in heaven, so on earth there is the same phenomenon of corrupted matching. If so, there is only one solution: completing the reversal. The Shekhinah above and the Holy One Blessed Be He below. Exchanging the place between earth and heaven. The earth needs to turn into spirit - and the heavens into matter. We need to make days like nights, just like we make nights like days. The dream needs to switch with the day, and fantasy with reality. Do you understand this, my son?
A wise man tries to discover reality beneath the dream - a sage knows it's all a dream I dreamed that the shtreimel tells me at night: A wise man tries to remove the clothes to find the woman underneath. But a sage knows it's all clothes. And I think: Who knows what really happens to my wife under her clothes. What is she hiding there, who knows if she's even my wife? And I run home, and tonight of all nights it's hard for me to find the house. My house! And I enter the house, and indeed notice that she's strange. Hear her laughing on the phone with a friend. When did she ever laugh like that with me, what's so funny. You talked about me, what did you talk about, is a woman not allowed to have secrets? Her younger and more attractive sister, who is much thinner and prettier than her and she hates her, makes eyes at me. I know that for her it's just sweet revenge on her sister. She enjoys seeing me look at her. But it's hard for me to ignore, never has a woman made eyes at me. She smiles at me. But I see the look, I feel like strangling that little one. Her friends who would never have looked at me before don't stop flirting with me, provoking me, batting their eyelashes. Can't you be happy for her? What did she do to you, why does everyone hate her, all of them are jealous of her, but of what (of her enormous chest, which embarrasses even women, and even more so herself?). Poor thing my unfortunate wife, with such a husband, what do they want from her. And my wife looks at me: You're a stranger. I don't know you. And leaves the room. What happened today, what do they want from me? I look at the girl and she says: You're not my father, and goes after her. We're left alone me and the sister.
The Corruption I dreamed that apparently I ate spoiled kugel [Translator's note: traditional Jewish casserole]. And I urgently urgently need to go, and I have nowhere and I have nowhere, and at the last moment I take off the shtreimel and use it as a chamber pot. And then I see there are torn pieces of paper in the filth, disgusting to touch but I see these are holy pages that require burial. But I didn't eat anything like that! And my wife just enters. And I try to hide it and she asks what do you have there? Nothing, nothing. Are you trying to hide from me? No, no. So show me, I'm your wife, I want to see, need to see, must! You wretch. And I take the shtreimel and put it on her face. And at that moment the girl enters, who despite everything everything we both don't want her to be corrupted. And she asks why does Mom have a black mask? And my wife holds back as much as she can, but can't speak from there. And I know that the entire burden of proof is on me and I have no idea what to answer. "It's a shtreimel, it's a shtreimel. A shtreimel is a tail, it's fox remnants, what's left, spoiled, a shtreimel is on the face". And my wife can no longer hold back, and starts to burst. Bitter and terrible laughter. And the mask falls off her, and the girl starts to scream. And I see that on the note stuck to her nose is written: Thou shalt not commit adultery. And I ask: Did you put this note for me inside the kugel?
Personal. Please do not read I dreamed that it's possible not only to peek at my wife, while she thinks I'm asleep, but to peek inside the woman, from within. To see the soul cooking there. And I go out and burst out laughing, and she gets angry but also smiles to herself. And then raises embarrassed eyes and smiles at me. After all her declarations that a woman - feels. Understands from within - what she has inside. It's a girl - she knows! Real brainwashing, even I started dreaming about a girl. But God knows what he's doing in the hidden world, in the secret realm inside the person - and the ultrasound allows peeking. Opens a peephole to the black medium. Just like a Hasidic rebbe. But - maybe it works in reverse too? Like how women peek at us from the women's section, but I've never seen what happens inside there. In fact, no one knows what they really do there, when no one is there. And precisely because of that - who knows what women do in the dark when no one sees. Maybe even God himself, righteous as he is, doesn't peek at women, doesn't forbid anything, and doesn't want to know.
And I go to the Western Wall and press my face hard hard hard to the wall and try to peek at God - in the crack between the stones. And at first in the first minutes you really only see black, but then the eyes slowly adjust, and suddenly inside there's - a flicker of light. People walking! And I go to the tunnel on the side, there are masses of worshippers pressing against the wall, and suddenly see that when no one is looking, someone leaps inside the Holy Ark, behind the curtain - and disappears. And I push and push through the crowd until I manage to reach the ark - and jump after him. And someone says password! And I say what? And I'm all dazzled, everything is full of priests and banners. Building the messianic Temple. Temple work liberates. Before work - purification. A ritual bath that is an altar. And I already understand where all this is leading, and quickly flee outside from the line inside, squeeze to the side, in the stones, slip to where the Wall is, but from inside.
And I see in the darkness a wicked old man peeking between the cracks - at the women's section. And I grab his beard: Aren't you ashamed? But it seems the people here have lost the image of God, and he winks at me: What, you don't know? Are you new here? Heh... come see what a thrill it is to see a woman praying with intense concentration, how it grips her entirely, ah, no wonder there's a partition, how she melts! And how her eyes are closed, her lips move, oh, she's blushing. And I slap him, and he looks at my hand, and I understand from his face that I made a mistake. And my wife approaches my back and I slam the computer shut. Hope the screen didn't break. And she says, almost mockingly: Don't worry. I'm not peeking at your computer.