End

The Rebellion

I dreamed that they tell me the world of Torah is about to be destroyed and that I must build a Noah's ark to save the Torah. And I gather all the animals to the study hall, lock the door, and throw away the keys. And outside there's an earthquake, a flood of earth, all the windows are clogged with soil, and I tell them not to look, and close the windows too. Study. All the animals study in pairs, two by two. And I start trying to teach them, they know nothing, they open the book from the side and hold it upside down, like a laptop, pressing on the letters and not understanding why it doesn't write, and if it does write, where does it write? Where's the screen? And I give them a lesson:

The animals did not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. The problem started when animals arrived in the Garden of Eden, at some point they were no longer willing to accept discrimination, we are no less righteous. So in the Garden of Eden animals start reading books, the Talmud, and they say we are no less knowledgeable and no less beautiful. And mixed couples started to form, they said what, in the Garden of Eden it's allowed. If you talk with an animal and study with an animal - why not fall in love with it? Enough with prejudices. We are, after all, holy animals. And there were marriages of angels with animals, bestiality with the red heifer, an atmosphere of complete lawlessness, and they also started talking about trees, why not? Talking with the holy trees, and wheels [Translator's note: angelic beings] started spinning around themselves, clouds chasing honor, thought they were in heaven and nothing would happen to them, and didn't understand that in the end God would bring upon them a flood of earth. The land would destroy the heavens.

But I see that the animals are not listening, they are actually busy, I see that the evil animals are licking their fingers, and the sheep in the corner is missing. Where is it? I yell at them. There was only one sheep - unique, we won't have any more like it! And they roar: Who is this man who keeps talking, thinks he'll tell us what to do, we are the holy animals, let's eat him, there's nothing to eat here! And I try to be authoritative: No, you're not listening, and I grab my head in despair and see that the ants are crawling on the ceiling, oh no, understand, I see the lion's drool, understand, it's a reverse flood, the fountains of the earth have opened, all the furnaces, ash rising to the sky, and God is hanging, above everyone, like a smoked sausage. If you're hungry eat him! And they eat me.

The Decline of Generations

I dreamed that I'm in a cattle car full of people. And this is a once-in-a-lifetime historical opportunity. I know what no one knows, in real time, I'm the only one in the world who is aware, who is aware of the significance! And actually it's good that I'm not only at the right time but also in the right place - on the way to Auschwitz. And I try to talk to the Jews in the car, to explain, to organize, we must not, history will not forgive us, to burn the crematoria, but what is this strange language? Who is this idiot? Idiots, I scream! And we're already arriving, and I think that's good, I'm healthy, strong and fat, they'll take me to the Sonderkommando, I remember something about overheating, an explosion in the crematorium, we'll sabotage all the cells simultaneously, all the guys from the kommando. But they take us directly to the gas chambers, where's the selection they told us about, where's Dr. Mengele? And I think that actually. What. Even if Hitler loses the war, even if the extermination stops today, he has already won. There's no more possibility of being Jewish. A million more, a million less - he has already killed Judaism - the religion of Israel has been murdered. No, we need to find a spiritual solution, must think must think no time. And they put us in the chamber, close the door, and I hold my breath and pounce on the blue crystals on the floor and eat them like a pig - quickly - the Zyklon will stay in the stomach and not reach the lungs, and then we'll come out the other side and I'll ignite the crematoria.

And they push me from behind in line at the entrance to the Garden of Eden, what is this, why don't they put more stations, there's no room, and one woman shouts, why are you pushing into the line for less than ten sins. What are you, such a great righteous person? And the angel walks and looks at the endless line and countless broken and crushed spirits, and sees that I'm somehow still okay, and takes me out of there. And they take me to work in the angels' Sonderkommando. And he whips us come on, there's endless work, we need to sort piles and piles of souls, spirits, they're not prepared for such quantities, tons of children, never were there so many children in the Garden of Eden, jumping on trees, picking protected fruits, stepping on the grass, spraying water from the sprinklers on the Talmuds, going wild, where's their mother to control them, pulling the beards of the righteous, teasing old Abraham, jumping on him, blind Isaac is simply pitiful. And worse than that - there have never been so many criminals and ignoramuses here, never mind the ignoramuses who ask the great sages stupid questions and lower the level in the heavenly yeshiva below ground, but all kinds of criminals simply enjoy the status of martyrdom and cause unbelievable chaos. And hungry souls hunt rare red heifers and have barbecues, there's not enough room in the dining hall, and the angel says there's no choice. And he stumbles again on the dirt on the floor, slips on a peel from the Tree of Knowledge, and starts screaming: Jewish pigs! Work. And I ask quietly so he won't hear where they're taking all these souls. And the guy next to me, I see he has Hebrew letters on his hand, he whispers to me: You see that building white smoke is coming out of? No one returns from there. And I think: What, are they killing them? Are they moving to the next next world, even higher up, or what? And my spirit falls, and they curse me, and take me from the kommando, and there's another angel there who says: There's no choice but to combine several souls together and send them down. And they put me in with some wagon driver and a narrow-minded woman. They don't even match the person's spirit with his soul and psyche, who will find them in all the piles, I'm screwed - I'll have the soul of a wagon driver and the psyche of a hysterical woman! And the wagon driver starts flattering her crudely, and the woman laughs a foolish laugh, yuck. And both of them look at me with crooked glances, exchanging whispers, winking, giggling. And I already see who here will get along well together. The majority rules.

A Cell in the Underground

I dreamed that they catch me and put me as a cell in a cancerous growth. And I say: If I've already disconnected from the organ and I'm in a metastasis, let's at least disconnect from the metastasis too and reach some place in the body where we can warn the person that he has cancer. A place where he'll feel it and go to the doctor. Maybe he doesn't even know? And I think where, even in the brain there's huge redundancy and he won't notice, so I forgot something, so what, what was it? And I realize that I must position myself precisely in the most dangerous place, in the nerves in the back at the top of the spine, because a little pressure there and the pain is enormous. That's what Mom had. And I settle there and start multiplying wildly, hoping that the children and great-grandchildren continue in my path, it's in our family genes. And suddenly, ahhh, mommy, I'm paralyzed from the neck down. Ahh! I'm in my own body. And the only choice left to me is whether to wait for the end with eyes closed or open.

The Radiance of the Divine Presence

I dreamed that the month of Elul arrived in the last year of the seventh millennium and the Messiah still hadn't come, and you could cut the air with a knife: everyone knows this is the last chance. At that time the donkey was already an extinct animal, but there are endless messiahs, simply a joke, and the wicked can't resist writing in the headlines - The End of Judaism, The Great Flop in History, The End of the Messianic Era, and worst of all the newspaper "Pi Ha'aton" [Translator's note: "The Donkey's Mouth", a play on the biblical story of Balaam's talking donkey] comes out with a malicious headline on the last day: Where's the Donkey? And now the eighth millennium has arrived, the Messiah didn't come, the Temple wasn't built, the world wasn't destroyed, the heavens didn't fall to earth, the earth didn't fly up to the sky, nothing happened! And they said that each day of God is a thousand years. According to this, the time has come to give God a circumcision. Instead of Matan Torah [Translator's note: the giving of the Torah] - Metu Torah [Translator's note: the Torah died]. We'll cut off the end of the final vav [Translator's note: Hebrew letter]. And they come to him with a big sword, a spiritual knife, and he wakes up and says: Oh I fell asleep, what happened, I didn't come because I accidentally fell asleep because I was dead tired, I didn't sleep all night - and you're already coming to me, what happened, as if I'm missing something sma

The Speed of Darkness

I dreamed that they send the High Priest to space, based on the calculation that he will merit reaching the speed of light, to God. Because, say the sages, as the speed increases he ages more and more at a turtle's pace, and together with the technological development in the generations since the launch, which will be constantly transmitted from Earth, the spacecraft will be able to upgrade itself again and again, getting closer and closer to the speed of light in fast enough convergence, and still in his lifetime - he will make it. But suddenly after many generations, when he's already very old, he starts receiving news that everything on Earth is collapsing, and he realizes that all this time he was traveling in the wrong direction, and that his mission is actually to return, to return as fast as possible, that he is the Messiah, the last man from the ancient generations, from the giants of old, the only one who still lives what was, who understands how everything went wrong. But the more he returns he receives more news - there's nothing left to return to. And in the end even the last transmissions cease, and the last man turns off the light - he travels into the black space.

The End of the Dream

I dreamed that I'm approaching the end. And I reach a place where the tunnel is already getting narrower and narrower, and like in reverse evolution I must switch to walking on all fours like an animal, and to crawling like a snake, and then squeeze through with my hand into the hole like a worm, and insert my finger like the deepest root into the earth, and the nail grows and grows at the pace of a stone, and still doesn't reach the end. And I understand that Judaism has reached a dead end and from here it can only go backwards. And all across Europe the Gentiles gather with swords and torches and raise flourishing Jewish communities back to life from the ground again and again, and each time anew the ungrateful Jews diminish until the last of them wander to another place. And in the end they all return back to the Middle East, and gather in Iran and erase the Talmud and then for several generations they talk about it until they forget what was written there. And then they gather in the Land of Israel and erase the Mishnah and again talk about it for several generations until that too is forgotten. And the Romans build the Temple and the Jews destroy it and flee to Babylon, and after seventy years the Babylonians again build the Temple and bring the Jews up to the land and Solomon destroys the Temple and David splits the kingdom of Israel into tribes, and Joshua stops the conquest, rebuilds all the Canaanite cities, and leads all the children of Israel back to the desert. And Moses is resurrected and leads them around the desert for 40 years, until they reach Mount Sinai, make the golden calf and return the tablets of the covenant back to heaven, then Moses takes them back to Egypt and there they turn themselves into slaves. And they have an amazing natural decrease, and within a few generations out of an entire nation one family remains, which insists on returning to Canaan despite the famine there and the food in Egypt. And the career of the successful son in the family crashes at phenomenal speed, from the position of viceroy to the king into a pit full of snakes, but the brothers take him out of there, and everyone returns to Laban, where Jacob divorces Rachel and then Leah, and he returns to the land and returns the blessings to Isaac and the birthright to Esau. And Abraham sacrifices a ram but the angel places his son as a sacrifice on the altar instead, and Abraham takes his son and flees from there. And in the end after a few final conversations with God he finds himself walking alone to Haran, on the long way back to the pagan world.

Rabbit Pig Rabbit

I dreamed that there's some con man, who arrives at a remote remote village of Jews, so remote that they haven't even heard there was a Holocaust. And they say to him: Generations have passed since anyone visited here. No one knows how to read anymore. Come be our rabbi and read from the Torah. And they take out the book that hasn't left the ark for jubilees, and call him up to the Torah. But the "rabbi" himself didn't even study in cheder [Translator's note: traditional elementary school], he doesn't know how to read at all. And he opens the book upside down, clears his throat, and reads entirely with the cantillation of the Haftarah [Translator's note: prophetic reading]: Rab֣bit pi֙g rab֔bit, rab֭bit pi֣g rab֑bit, rab֨bit pi֜g rab֗bit, rab֣bit pi֙g rab֔bit, rab֭bit pi֥g rabֽbit. And they are captivated, the old women are sobbing, how fortunate we are to have heard a Torah reading once in our lives, if only his honor would agree to stay, we'll give him the prettiest girl in the village. And all week he eats and gorges, and on Shabbat everyone gathers and he reads to them: Rab֣bit pi֙g rab֔bit, rab֭bit pi֣g rab֑bit, rab֨bit pi֜g rab֗bit, rab֣bit pi֙g rab֔bit, rab֭bit pi֥g rabֽbit. And they are pleased to the max. And this is also how he teaches all the children for their bar mitzvah, and the child is called up to the Torah, everyone is excited, and he reads: Rab֣bit pi֙g rab֔bit, rab֭bit pi֣g rab֑bit, rab֨bit pi֜g rab֗bit, rab֣bit pi֙g rab֔bit, rab֭bit pi֥g rabֽbit. And the whole village says: How fortunate we are that we've become a village of scholars.

And one day a young man from the village sets out on a journey for trade, and after years he finally reaches a settlement, and everyone is excited to meet a traveler from such a distant land, everyone gathers in the synagogue on Shabbat, and of course they honor him with the first aliyah [Translator's note: being called up to the Torah]. And he goes up to the Torah and starts to read: Rab֣bit pi֙g rab֔bit, rab֭bit pi֣g rab֑bit, rab֨bit pi֜g rab֗bit, rab֣bit pi֙g rab֔bit, rab֭bit pi֥g rabֽbit. And the whole synagogue starts beating him, is this funny to you, rabbit pig rabbit? And he shouts that this is all his rabbi said, rabbit pig rabbit! And they beat him even more, this is how you slander your rabbi, rabbit pig rabbit? And they put him in prison, and send a messenger to the village to tell how he slanders the rabbi outside the village. And the messenger arrives at the village, and everyone honors him, and of course they give him the first aliyah. And he starts to read, and the whole synagogue starts shouting, rabbit pig rabbit! And this liar and insolent one is still not ashamed and speaks about the rabbi, and they put him in prison.

And I think: What's the problem? I can prove it to them from the letters. After all, what are the chances that 22 letters created the entire book of Genesis if that's not what's written there? And I set out on a journey, and after a decade or two I arrive at the village. And I start teaching them to read, and after a decade or two they already know. And I gather everyone to the synagogue, this is the moment I've been waiting for, the pinnacle of my life. And I go up to the Torah, open the ancient book from Genesis, and I see that it's written there: rabbit pig rabbit, rabbit pig rabbit, rabbit pig rabbit, rabbit pig rabbit, rabbit pig rabbit.

And I shut myself in. I'm already old and afraid that everything will be lost, and try to write down everything I remember from the original Torah. Fragments of verses that don't connect, paraphrases from memory, distorted portions, but what hurts the most is that everything comes out much worse than the original. And there's already television in the village, and I see that abroad they also read like this, rabbit pig rabbit. The whole world has progressed. Maybe I'm just an old-fashioned exile. And one day I die.

And God decides to impose a spiritual tax. Every idea fifty percent of it will belong to God, in case of inspiration it rises to 70%, and on pleasure an outrageous tax of 90% is imposed - simply thieves. Every pleasure of yours - 90% of it goes to God! And very quickly widespread side effects develop. Tax evasion. Smuggling. Informing. Crime. And the angel says: What do you think, that it doesn't cost to operate the forces of nature? That it's by itself? And at first thanks to the new resources the Garden of Eden again returns to the good days. The angels fly like butterflies from flower to flower, again there's a budget for miracles and wonders, and even a few prophecies come down after the long drought. But very quickly there's a general deterioration in spiritual activity. Rabbit pig rabbit, rabbit pig rabbit, rabbit pig rabbit, rabbit pig rabbit, rabbit pig rabbit.

The Head

I dreamed that the shtreimel [Translator's note: fur hat worn by some Hasidic Jews] speaks at night and my head is inside:
Know, head, that the species that will replace the human species, its lack of consciousness will be like your consciousness, and vice versa. Therefore its dream will be like awareness today, but its day will be like your dream. Because it will live in a spiritual world, and its actions will be without physical limitations, only spiritual limitations, like in a dream, this will be its reality. And yet precisely its thinking will be like intestinal action, and intelligence will be a low action like walking, automatic. And all conscious and intentional activity will be creative, like with God. Only in the beginning.

And its language contracts and grips me more than a headache:
What do you think head, you won't be able to silence me. The computer's thinking will be unconscious, because the laws of logic will be for it like the laws of nature - for God. Reality is not conscious for God, and therefore olam [Translator's note: world] is from the root ne'elam [Translator's note: hidden]. And only the computer's dream will be high spiritual activity, like God's dream is the Torah. And in the dream learning is reversed: not like during the day - from the illuminated external world into the dark brain inside, but from inside the brain to the external world - the brain will be the light and the world dark. In the dream the senses flow in the opposite direction. Therefore just as you need to close your eyes for darkness, in the future they will need to close the brain for darkness - inside a shtreimel.

And the shtreimel really closes on my choked neck and eats my head:
Since the Torah is God's dream world, if we want a new Torah we need to allow God darkness. Because of the world's war against the secret - religion is being destroyed, because the secret is the furnace of religion. If we don't utilize the internet for creating secrecy, but only for eliminating secrecy, we will eliminate the spiritual world. And therefore we must establish an ideology opposite to the information age: the age of secrecy. A counter-revolution to the information revolution: the secrecy revolution. Instead of everything being on the net, everything will be in the shtreimel.

And the shtreimel yawns, and I escape.

The Tail

I dreamed that I can't take it anymore. And he talks to me. And doesn't let me speak. And doesn't let me sleep. And he keeps dying in my throat. And I say be careful. You'll choke. And he says. You be careful, you'll choke. And he keeps spitting. A few words. And I ask for a tissue, and I see on the white paper. It's blood. And I say. But he speaks. And I choke, trying to type. But he writes. On my computer. At least I would send an email to myself. To explain, to warn. But he starts to sing. At least I could scream. But I'm already in deep sleep. The dream didn't. Turn into reality. Reality. Turned into a dream. The night - to day, the tail to head. And he's as talented as a demon, and black as a demon, and hairy as a demon, and fast as a demon, and cunning - like a fox. And if only I could control him. Instead of him controlling me. I could finish everything. Long ago. But the letters press themselves. And I'm tired, and he's awake. And I'm asleep, and he writes: and I don't dream anymore

Headline

I dreamed that there's a regular daily column in the newspaper that deals with the shtreimel. Prepare your head for summer: we checked - wearing a shtreimel protects the head from sun rays more than any other hat. Ballad for the medic - the surgery to remove the shtreimel got complicated after it was discovered that the shtreimel had spread into the brain. The medic is expected to remain head-injured, farewell to the shtreimel. The winner of the shtreimel perseverance competition: wore a shtreimel continuously for an entire lifetime - and won an additional shtreimel. The appeal of the ousted shtreimel was rejected outright: "I was promised I would win an additional head". A young prodigy amazed the hot-headed audience when he dribbled his head with his own hands and scored it into a shtreimel from the other side of the study hall. Our spiritual commentator: This is what's beautiful about the shtreimel. Scandal at the Shtreimel Olympics - The important young man who won the shtreimel lifting competition in the heavyweight category was revealed to be a gentile. Our spiritual commentator: The shtreimel has its own rules. Another blow to the world of shtreimel - the king of shtreimels of all time retires from the game of shtreimelball: "Not enough on the head?" Our commentator: The shtreimel is round. Technological breakthrough in the IDF: A new helmet for the ultra-Orthodox recruit in the shape of a shtreimel. Watch: The terrorists saw furry heads advancing towards them and fled. The miracle of the shtreimel: Their heads were saved thanks to the shtreimel, and today they are in an exclusive interview. "I never imagined that a head jump from the roof could end like this", "The tumor spread to the head. After several treatments with the shtreimel, the cancer simply fled outside", "I saw black in my eyes, I thought I was dead, in the emergency room it turned out that the shtreimel had fallen on my nose". A shtreimel pet for secular people developed through genetic engineering: A new breed of dogs with shtreimel fur. The developers seek to reassure the ultra-Orthodox public: A barking shtreimel doesn't bite. Research: Wearing a shtreimel increases cortex activity in those with weak intellect. The proud ultra-Orthodox community presents: The pink shtreimel, suitable for any closet. The Jewish mind invents shtreimels for us - and this time: A proactive shtreimel will warn of the arrival of a gentile. They caught foxes for us: The shtreimel leapt from the young man's head and caught the thief. New treatment for baldness approved for human trials: "The baldness simply disappeared", "I never dreamed of such a mane" (advertorial). Another case of shtreimel abuse: Hundreds of miserable foxes were found illegally held by a Hasid. "The sights were difficult, dozens of foxes glued to each other, locked in the closets of his house". The shtreimel glutton: Border police caught a Hasid trying to smuggle a shtreimel on his head. After being rushed to the hospital, additional shtreimels were discovered in his belly. After consultation with a senior spiritual authority, it was decided to allow his body to expel them naturally. My shtreimel has four corners - new development for square heads: Square shtreimel. Until now, many had to square the circle. Lucky fox - in the rolling shtreimel lottery, the following numbers came up: 0000000. The supermodel will be photographed for a Hebrew calendar for the ultra-Orthodox sector wearing only a shtreimel. Mom, the shtreimel shrunk: Solutions in the field of shtreimel laundry. The rabbi's hat is on fire: As part of a chametz [leavened food] inspection in the depths of the shtreimel, it was discovered that the foxes had been feeding on kugel, and the shtreimel is not kosher for Passover. The hunt continues - following frantic searches that lasted close to the Sabbath entrance time: Evidence for the existence of a shtreimel was found in the weekly Torah portion. Consumer report: Preserving cabbage heads in a shtreimel extends their shelf life for many years. New archaeological findings confirm that the Children of Israel wore shtreimels in the biblical period. The shtreimel on the road: And this time what happens when a shtreimel meets a female shtreimel (adults only). The security service warns: Foreign agents are using the shtreimel as a cover story, one must open the shtreimel and check the head inside. Environment and nature: Gentiles wearing shtreimels were spotted in Ukraine. Wonders of the Creator: A treasury of shtreimel breeding customs and innovations. Born to be free: Hundreds of shtreimels were released back into nature. Activists: It's so fun to see them rolling in their natural environment. Grandma, why is my shtreimel so black? The Rebbetzin's secret kugel recipe revealed. Rare images: Did Julius Caesar wear a shtreimel? Fragrances of the Jewish mind: A new line of shtreimels in a variety of sensual sweat scents. Women of the shtreimel: A sweeping feminist protest engulfs the daughters of Israel. Rabbis: A shtreimel on a woman is nakedness. The phenomenon of secular "Marranos" and the shtreimel in the closet: Many secular people living a lie and secretly keeping a shtreimel in the closet. The Fox Dome system: New technology for missile defense using a shtreimel. When outerwear meets underwear: The shtreimel bra that turns heads. The security establishment warns: The youth of the tails is raising its head - "Temporary shtreimels are popping up like mushrooms", "The shtreimel covers every hill", "It starts with one tail". First signs of the apocalypse: A shtreimel won the world Bible quiz. Storm in evolutionary research: Researchers proved that the shtreimel evolved from the monkey. Storm in a cup of shtreimel: 100% natural boiling sweat drink. A special epaulette for the shtreimel will be produced for the first ultra-Orthodox Chief of Staff. The explosive shtreimel: The head of the organization was killed by a charge planted inside the secret shtreimel he used to wear in private. A giant wheel in the shape of a shtreimel, colliding heads, and a train in stockings in the first ultra-Orthodox amusement park. Thousands stood in line before dawn to purchase the next generation of the shtreimel: Slower, thicker, heats up more. The shtreimel tycoon in an exclusive interview: Israel is becoming a shtreimel superpower. The goal: The number one shtreimel exporter in the world. Reveals: We inaugurated an automatic production line that turns a fox into a shtreimel in 3 seconds, and we produce 3 shtreimels per second. The rush for the black tail: Huge deposits of fox fur were discovered in the belly of the earth, a rare natural resource from the time of the patriarchs. The value of the reserve is hundreds of billions, the tail exploration stock is soaring. Where did the head of the secret service disappear to? Last seen wearing a shtreimel. Tefillin and felonies: An extortion network that operated using the crazy shtreimel method was exposed. Allowed for publication: A senior ultra-Orthodox rabbi is suspected of harassing foxes. Spare tail: How to fix a flat in a shtreimel. The tail the builders rejected has become the cornerstone: The end of bare-headed skyscrapers, arrogantly protruding towards heaven - a new safety standard will require covering them with a giant shtreimel. A giant shtreimel will hide the sun: It will plug the hole in the ozone layer, but exacerbate the greenhouse effect. Small tail for a fox, giant shtreimel for mankind: The first ultra-Orthodox astronaut will perform a spacewalk today at the end of which he will install a shtreimel on the dome of the space station. Operation Shtreimel - Gur Hasidim will stand at booths and place shtreimels on the heads of secular people who have never worn a shtreimel in their lives. "A warming Jewish experience that appeals to the head of every Jew". The hot item of the summer: Enthusiastic reactions on the secular street to the colorful shtreimel. Fritz converted after wearing a shtreimel: "I felt the Jewish warmth in my head and immediately knew: There is a God!". The shtreimel brings world peace: A global initiative is gaining support in the ultra-Orthodox public - mandatory shtreimel for heads of state. Shtreimel in a good head: An updated regulation of the Ministry of Transportation will require motorcyclists to wear a shtreimel, after a comprehensive examination found that a shtreimel is more effective in preventing head injuries than a helmet. "Not one of the shtreimel wearers was injured in a motorcycle accident". God's shtreimel? The space telescope discovered a giant shtreimel-like structure in the early universe. The end of the universe? Scientists discovered a new fundamental particle - the shtreimelton, a black hole wearing a shtreimel, and even a shtreimel galaxy. They expect tail theory to replace string theory. Nobel Prize: The shtreimel is expected to solve the mystery of dark matter, while the thermo-hat greenhouse effect was discovered as the solution to the mystery of dark energy. Time as a tail: The tail-intertwined force was found to be the source of the thread of time in the universe. A new tail accelerator is being built with huge investments inside the world's largest shtreimel - with a diameter of one hundred kilometers. Researchers report a scientific breakthrough: "We managed to accelerate a shtreimel at high speeds until it disintegrated into 40 different foxes, we also managed to create a shtreimel from a powerful collision between 40 foxes". Today: The million shtreimel demonstration - "The head thinks it's the boss, but who's above it?". Fox saves electricity: Covering solar water heaters and screens with a shtreimel drastically reduced their electricity consumption. In houses completely covered with a shtreimel, electricity consumption dropped to zero. A natural and inexhaustible energy source was discovered in Bnei Brak: Shtreimel turbines will generate electricity from boiling heads. A new campaign by the Shtreimel Council to raise awareness of the shtreimel among the general public: Shtreimelech - for people with a head. The Sun-Dark operation is underway - General Schwarzkopf: The army will paint the moon black, perform an eclipse, and put an end to the scandal that the sun goes without a shtreimel. The fresh Chief of Staff Schwarzkopf reveals the secret weapon: The shtreimel that convinced the enemy to surrender. In the section of shtreimels that made history: Hitler's shtreimel - the Nazi tyrant's strange hobby. Shtreimel among stars - The shtreimel spacecraft will represent the human species in an encounter with a flying saucer. In a secret ceremony in a massive mikveh [ritual bath] with the participation of a thousand rabbis, the conversion of the Internet network, or in its new name Yocheved, was completed last night. The Jewish network will be absorbed directly into the head via a wireless tail. New in the Firefox browser: A shtreimel add-on will hide, blacken and burn the page - and illuminate the user. A new and deadly strain of viruses in the shape of a shtreimel was observed under the microscope: Capable of destroying humanity within two Sabbaths. Autobiography: Dream diary of a shtreimel that dreams using a head. Major surprise: The Book of Shtreimel rose above the head of the bestseller list. "I heard screams, the windshield was covered in black" - A rolling shtreimel event ended in disaster. Shtreimels: Demanding special lanes for rolling on roads. Murder in Bnei Brak: Another victim of the shtreimel strangler. The shtreimel protests against the way it is presented in the media: They blackened my image, they demonized me. The tail that wags the head: The media in the era of the tail connection. Experts predict: The shtreimel will bring about the end of the world. Shtreimels predict: Experts will bring about the end of the world. The shtreimel rebellion: "Open your eyes, look around - suddenly everyone is walking with a shtreimel from a friendly fox". Country in panic: The rampaging shtreimel escaped from its cage. In a black dress - young woman married a shtreimel. Enormous embarrassment: The Rebbe's daughter ran away with her husband's shtreimel. Suspicion of a romantic connection between them. Wife of a shtreimel in a revealing interview: My husband is soft, pleasant and sensual, but also poses a challenge to the head. Huge achievement for the Jewish mind: Shtreimel won the Nobel Prize. Initial report: Legitimate protest display? A white donkey wearing a shtreimel began moving towards the capital. Rolling event: Shtreimel on a white donkey marches at the head of an army of thousands from the east. Strategic analysis: What was the sin of Adam, the first man? That he separated the head from the tail. Tactical interpretation: The shtreimel reconnects the head to the tail. Personal opinion: The shtreimel, the beginning of the growth of our tails, is our redemption. Editorial: Everything is in the head - the correction of the sin of knowledge is in the shtreimel, which is above taste and knowledge, and even above the head. The shtreimels are coming: The black army is approaching the city. Rebbes in an emotional call: Install on your head today! Firefox - because the hat is burning on the head of the tail. Decisive battles in the Shtreimel War: It's not the tail, it's not even the head of the tail, but it might be the tail of the head. Our military affairs commentators in the special emergency studio: The shtreimel is overtaking Napoleon in the turn, suppressing the last tails of resistance. Our Torah commentators in the special festive studio: A black day of historic victory and a new dawn on a biblical scale. The fur revolution: The shtreimel at the outskirts of the city, encountered no resistance at all. A righteous man comes to the city: Let us all go out to receive the shtreimel, the crown of our heads, and fulfill "and satyrs shall dance there". Special holiday edition: The people of Israel love shtreimel. Attached is an all-black poster. The masses sang: Towards a fox let us go and walk / For he is the source of blessing / From the head crowned poured / The end of the deed in the tail at the beginning. Tension at its peak: Tomorrow the face of the shtreimel will be seen. Today: And Aaron shall lay both his hands upon the head of the goat. Astonishment: The king is the crown - the shtreimel crowned itself! Editorial: Come in peace, crown of her husband. Last issue and first interview - His Majesty the Shtreimel opens his mouth for the first time: