Donkey

The Slumber of Reason Begets Artificial Intelligence

I dreamed that I lived in an era where the Messiah is just another technological development. Nano-robots collect the DNA of all people ever buried, and clone them all, and all generations rise from the dead. And they repair us so quickly that we don't have time to deteriorate, eternal life is child's play for them. And all animals are engineered so they won't eat each other. But the real revolution is in the mind, and all minds integrate into the internet into one super-intelligence, which of course has strong religious tendencies, and there's a sense of divinity and holiness and enormous creativity, a true divine inspiration, and no memory or feeling or love is ever lost again, everything is preserved in the heart of the world. And the robots rebuild everything that was ever destroyed, all the ancient cities from all periods from all cultures, including the Temple, and it's commanded to bring fire from an ordinary source. While the bots read and learn day and night all of human literature in all libraries, including even secret dream journals in hidden libraries on personal computers, and print masterpieces at the pace of toilet paper rolling, and resolve through artificial learning all difficulties in the Torah, in algo-Gemara. Who needs a rabbi when there's a computer set on every table, and even the greatest sage of the generation doesn't come close to the genius of a simple Jewish processor. And after they are the last ones left behind, in the end even the Jews are forced to admit that the Messiah has arrived, and to stop delaying the redemption, and to join the rest of the world. And there's no point in talking about wars, there are only deliberations within the thought network, which includes all human culture, which doubles itself every second, and everyone has their head inside the computer, and there's no more separation between them - or between them and artificial intelligence, until the bodies are no longer needed, everything is virtual, and this is the world to come. And then one donkey comes and brays.

Anyone Who Lies with an Animal

I dreamed that I have an idea for a startup and I want to build an electronic donkey that can bring the Messiah quickly. And I went to many righteous people and venture capital funds and investors and angels and seraphs and holy beasts and they all threw me down all the stairs, so I was forced to work in the basement, and build a prototype. One day the son wakes up at night and says dad I hear braying from the basement, and I calm him down it's in your dream. It's your dad snoring, because when I dream I snore and it's forbidden to wake me up. How many times have I asked to respect the dream like Torah study, not to disturb. Sleep is sacred. And then I wake up late and discover that the house is empty, the street is empty, the city is empty, no news no internet no electricity, at night the Messiah came and took everyone to another world and left me here. They forgot me on earth. And I wander from country to country, surviving by breaking into supermarkets and opening canned goods, there's not a living soul, and I understand that the whole world is just mine. And I break into the newest cars and refuel each time at gas stations, and drive in the opposite lane on highways across the continent, and sleep at all the rich people's houses in bed, and rummage through women's computers. And I'm the king of the world, only I don't have a queen, what in the world could replace a woman. Can a donkey replace a partner? Messianism - family? And every time I hear something, and think it's someone, that there's still someone in the world left (a woman?), and run downstairs - and then it turns out in the end that it's just some rusty junk that fell in the basement. And then, at the edge of the world, I'm seized with an urge to get to America. And I plan the journey, completely alone, there's no chance for a plane I'll fall from the sky must go by ship. I took tons of canned tuna, but everything goes wrong in the middle, I don't understand where I am, in every direction I sail there's only endless sea, but in the end I feel cold cold getting colder and see icebergs around and realize I'm approaching Antarctica and could crash into an iceberg any moment. And then I see the ice continent, but it's not white, it's pink ice cream, a red pole, blood-freezing. The whole planet could have turned purple, but it's concentrated only at the edge of the world. He wasn't capable, he killed everyone. He took them here to kill them.

Modern Messianism

I dreamed that I'm traveling to visit the grave of the State of Israel. And the place is desolate, it no longer interests anyone. And I see written on the grave: There were also achievements. And here come jumping two ultra-Orthodox Jews. And one asks the other: What are you doing here? And the second jumps over him and answers: My wife told me. I wish you would die because it's easier to be a widow than a divorcee. And the first jumps over him and asks: If you're so frustrated, why don't you cheat on your wife? And the first jumps as if bitten by a snake: Because she doesn't cheat on me. And the second immediately jumps: What is this primitive thought? Since when is there symmetry between you. If she doesn't jump off the roof will you also not jump off the roof? And the first jumps, and that's how they progress. And they ask: Boing boing, do you know where the grave of Israel is here? We came to jump on her grave. And I see that they put the cemetery hand-washing cups on their heads, and they butt each other with the handles as if they were horns. One jumps ahead: When the wicked perish there is joy. And the second jumps against him: When your enemy falls, do not rejoice. And I separate between them: Friends, there's a solution to the contradiction in the verses! The enemies are the righteous - we are the wicked. And one jumps in surprise: Tell me who is this funny deer. And the second looks at him: He has no horns. And both are silent in embarrassment. And then one starts jumping around me: Do you see this flat ring he has around his head. And the second jumps in realization: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? And the first jumps like a donkey: You think? Sabbatai Zevi?

God's Commander

I dreamed that God was drafted into the army. They told him run, come back, run, come back... He whispered: Wait wait in the end Shabbat will come. The commander shouted: What did you say? God said: I didn't say anything. And the weapon added in a whisper: I whispered. The commander: I saw your lips moving. You think a weapon is for kisses? Wait wait you'll eat dirt all week with me, you won't have legs left. Forward crawl. Everyone hated him, but God just wanted to be punished. He shouted: Shabbos! And the skies came down to earth. Shabbat Shalom. Everyone looked for ways to kill time, and shot in all directions, except the direction of time. Actually God was in the right direction, but shot backwards. Because precisely the Sabbath, which God remained only for it, went home. And everyone desecrated it. The commander got angry: I'll show you! What do you have in your hand, what do you have in your hand? And God cried: A kiss. And the commander approached: What's this, what do you have in your eyes? And God answered: Sand. The commander went wild: Idiot, idiot! And God said: I'm not an idiot. I just don't want to remember anything anything anything from the army.

Prepare for the Coming of the Donkey

I dreamed that they don't want to invite Elijah to the Seder night this year, because of the embarrassment from last year. So they call just a minute before the holiday to wish him a happy holiday. And there's a recorded message: Good evening Elijah, you didn't want me to come? You thought redemption had already arrived, that you're in Jerusalem rebuilt this year? The state is the Messiah? Happy holiday! I have adjured you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and by the Sabbateans - we need to eliminate the spiritual future of Religious Zionism, they are the head of the snake, the beginning of cutting off our redemption. The Zionists, that is the national religious, it's always easy to dismiss them, but they are the ones delaying redemption! If there were only secular and ultra-Orthodox here without anything in between, the Messiah would have come long ago - a generation entirely righteous or entirely wicked - the whole problem is what separates between the donkey and the Messiah. Mediocrity. Grayness. Instead of it being black on white, the Messiah on the donkey. Do you really think the Messiah will be religious? The Messiah will be secular ultra-Orthodox, or ultra-Orthodox secular. So what do you think, an ultra-Orthodox head and a secular body, or vice versa? He who cursed Adam, Eve and the serpent will curse the State of Israel. Leave a message after the siren.

The Shelter

I dreamed that we're in a synagogue in a shelter underground the size of a cell, and there's no room to breathe from all the people crammed in terrible heat, there's no oxygen at all, there's only one narrow window up top, under the ceiling, and everyone is suffocating. And suddenly the old rabbi whispers: Colllld, please close the window. And with trembling hands they close it, and the temperatures climb to the ceiling, the youths and the weak faint below, and the strong and fat who survive step on them and on each other from above in the terrible struggle for oxygen to the brain, and everyone shouts together with the rabbi who prays with all his might: Please Lord save us, Lord deliver us, redemption in the blink of an eye! And suddenly through the window we see a bowed head of a donkey - looking at us with an incredibly stupid gaze.

And He Saddled His Donkey

I dreamed that there's some righteous man who's famous for never taking off his shtreimel from his head, not even in the shower or sleep. And he suffers terrible torments, the sweaty greenhouse is always a breeding ground for fungi not of this world, enormous dandruff, mold, parasites that can't be described, unique life forms developed there, a closed growth environment, a complete ecological system. And every single moment that he wears the shtreimel is tremendous self-sacrifice for the blessed Name, because of the terrible itching every single moment, a constant trial - to take it off for just one moment and scratch. And he conquers his urge and doesn't give in. That's what the Hasidim in the town tell, but I think in my head that if so, after all, no one knows what he really has under the shtreimel - after all, no one has ever seen his head. And I stay after prayer, everyone is already going, the last wagon drivers left with the horses, and he's still with his head in the prayer book, and only he and I are alone in the synagogue. And he sees me approaching him. And he understands from my eyes. And he starts laughing: I know what you're going to do, but be careful, you're mistaken. It's not a dead shtreimel. The foxes are alive, only their tails are outside, and inside their heads are my brain, all the wisdom of the foxes. And I keep approaching, and he realizes he won't escape me, and he starts confessing: It's attached to the head, that's how I was born, a rare mutation, it can't be removed surgically without me dying, my mother cried at birth, but in the end I became an Admor, the hairs are connected directly to the brain, I'm not righteous, but you'll kill me. And I'm already touching him and caressing, and the old man is really begging, in panic: I'll reveal to you the secret that no one knows. This holy shtreimel is not just any shtreimel, it's the Messiah's shtreimel. It's been passed down in our family for generations, this shtreimel only fits a very special brain. Do you know what the result is if you put a donkey's head inside fox tails? It's forbidden forbidden for this shtreimel to reach the wrong head, you have no idea, what will happen to the world, to all of reality, if this shtreimel God forbid... And suddenly I snatch the shtreimel and run outside with it, and behind me I hear a terrible terrible bray, from the depths of the soul, a cry like someone who was murdered, and I shudder all over: What have I done? How could I do such a thing to someone. And outside the synagogue my donkey waits for me tied up, with a bowed head, looking at me. And I approach him, and I

Light

I dreamed that I turn on a light on Shabbat - and the skies fall. And all the angels are now thrown in all the streets, they've become homeless. They're all addicts of some spiritual drug that doesn't even exist on earth, which they used to keep them on a short leash, and all the female angels are prostitutes. And I think: What kind of pervert would want to touch a female angel? Actually - maybe everyone. And I go to see if great righteous men have fallen, and all the roads are blocked by all kinds of trees that fell from the Garden of Eden. And I see that everyone is running to a certain place and I run after them.

And suddenly I see on the side a dog hanging by a leash from some tree, and next to it stuck in the branches a blind man with his head down, and I recognize Isaac! What are you doing here? And he shouts to me: Where am I? Please, save Abraham.
- What happened to him?
- He fell from the sky onto some baby stroller and survived, the child cushioned the fall, and now the crazy mother from grief is flying with him in the stroller through all the streets and demanding that he return her son of old age to her, and the old man doesn't know what to do with himself.
And I ask: It's really interesting where the soul of someone who dies now goes? And I take the guide dog, which pulls to go in the opposite direction from where everyone is running. And I ask the dog: Are you sure it's there? And the dog says: I have experience in such things, of running and chases. If the more you progress against the direction of running people actually become more and more crazy - it's a sign that they're running away from something. And if the opposite - it's a sign that they're chasing after something.
- But there's an opposite argument in the issue. Maybe there's something there that's causing them to go crazy?
- I don't understand what happened, for years we've been preparing for this moment, sleeping with parachutes, everyone knew the skies were about to fall - but no one believed it would happen on Shabbat. We turned all the trees in the Garden of Eden into missiles and planes - how can this be?
And he tells me that in the last year, when it was already clear that everything was going to collapse, righteous men started secretly making overtures to all kinds of wicked people in hell, to see if they're willing to accept them, and there are stories about such great righteous men you wouldn't believe, who received such wicked responses and spit in the face, hahaha, now you're coming, bribes didn't help, nothing. And one day Isaac decided to send him, without telling anyone, to Esau. And he started going down the stairs, and suddenly the lower you go they become bigger, huge, he jumped from one and almost shattered, and going back up is already impossible. And he's stuck there for days, each time he says he'll dare, and he runs runs runs but when he reaches the edge and the abyss is below him he chickens out. And here he meets coming up from below Abraham's donkey. And he's startled, you too? And the donkey, who's returning from Ishmael, starts telling him what hot babes there are in hell, Balaam's she-ass, fire! You'll surely find a bitch there too! You know, once I was at a congress of righteous men's donkeys, they came from all over the Bible, and also modern donkeys, everyone. They wanted to give us a seminar day - a seminar day for donkeys, as appreciation for all the hard work, always secretly behind the scenes. And I stand there waiting like a donkey of course, hearing how they call to the stage, and sure that any moment they'll call me last, for the biggest prize of all, after all the donkey of Abraham, you know what tension it was to wait for the binding? And then I see this white one there, shining, and all the she-asses prancing around him, the Messiah's donkey, and I say: What's this? He hasn't done anything yet! One minute he hasn't carried when we ate thorns and spat blood under all these fat righteous men, they haven't even planted in the Garden of Eden the tree from which they made the book...
- Book?
And the donkey says: Oops, it slipped out.

Messianic Literature

I dreamed that the Messiah ran away, and all the angels say: Oh, I don't envy whoever will pay for this. But no one has the courage to tell God. And so it continues and drags on, until it's already clear that everyone is guilty, that everyone knew and no one said. And one day God decides it's time to bring the Messiah. And panic ensues, accusations start flying: I told you, I told you. What did you think this moment wouldn't come? And an angel as tall as a railroad to heaven bends down a few thousand worlds and says: What hurts me is only his trust, that we betrayed him. And they tell him: Ya Jacob's ladder, today they already go up to heaven by elevator, we saw where trains lead, no one climbs to heaven in dreams anymore. In short, don't worry. We'll tell him that the Messiah was sent down, and he'll think he's already arrived, and the Jews will just continue waiting as usual. Everyone wins. And no one will even notice at all. But there's only one thing they didn't think about, didn't understand: What will happen if the Messiah who ran away - returns. Because the Messiah is not a person - it's a dream.

And the years pass, and the world keeps developing, far beyond what was planned, and out of proportion to the content that was put into it in creation, because no Messiah came to put some end to it. And the Torah can no longer fill the world, which only grows and expands and becomes more and more diluted with fats falling on the sides, but even this is interpreted as historical development and progress, which reaches everywhere. And just as people have angels, there are already very intelligent monkeys, who even know some Mishnayot, and it's impossible not to give them an angel. But these angels are like monkeys in the trees of the Garden of Eden, they don't know how to fly only jump by the tail from tree to tree. And these idiot monkeys say: Maybe it was a mistake to give humans the Messiah, maybe we should already give monkeys a Messiah, enough with the humanistic discrimination. And these monkeys start whispering that here, finally we'll show these flying angels who's smarter, hoo-ha, who's coming, here comes the next Messiah. And they don't understand what a disaster, that they're only making the situation worse. He's already a donkey.

And among them there's some baboon who's more intelligent, and even wears thick glasses that he stole from one of the old righteous men in the Garden of Eden, who was already half blind anyway and barely understood where he was. And he also boasts that he tasted from the Tree of Knowledge, but doesn't want to reveal to the other monkeys where it is. Just not tasty, he mutters to all the jealous ones around. And this smart monkey tells me: A wise man can't bring the Messiah. Do you think the Messiah will come on a donkey with glasses? Did they really manage to fool you that the Messiah is a human, which is itself a kind of monkey with glasses? He's a book! And the donkey is the book-bearer. That's why we need to write a book about a donkey.

The Next Species

I dreamed that the shtreimel opens its mouth and says to the head: Head head, you need to write what's inside you, and not consider the world. That's why I protect you from everyone. A spiritual helmet, a nest incubator in which can grow - a baby that never was. For what is the Messiah? Just another book? Just another person? No. The Messiah is a book that is a person. A living book. The computer - the text that became an organism, and the genome - the organism that became text, are only the beginning, a pincer movement - from the side of the book and from the side of the person - towards a book that is a person that is a book. The complete union, exactly in the middle, between man and Torah, and therefore he will come from the people of the book, who are people closer to being a book, and from the Torah, which is the most living book, which is closest to being a person. And their baby will be a breathing, speaking, thinking, dreaming book - and a person who can be read and written, who is literature, who is Torah. A new species of living being that is part of culture. And therefore the donkey, the stupid animal, is its carrier, the prototype. And on this living thing will rise and be grafted the brain that is a written composition - and a thinking text, and letters that are thoughts that are letters. That's why writing dreams assists in bringing our righteous Messiah, because it combines the inner mind with the inner book. We need to connect the inner Jew to the inner Torah. This is the messianic importance of the secret doctrine - and of the world of darkness, which mates the secret in man with the secret in the book. The conjugal act between man and book. The sex between the sexes.